REAL PROGRAMMERS Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference book is the hallmark of the novice and the coward. Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers and business dweebs. Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. Real Programmers don't write in RPG. RPG is for the gum-chewing dimwits who maintain antiquated payroll programs. Real Programmers don't write in APL unless the whole program can be crammed into one line. Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC, after the age of 12. Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure anal retentives who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. Real Programmers don't write in Lisp. Only sissy programs contain more parentheses than actual code. Real Programmers don't write in Pascal, or BLISS, or Ada, or any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories. Real Programmers write in C, because it doesn't complain if you try to do something "illegal." (Real Programmers NEVER use lint) Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk. Real Programmers don't write specs -- users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they can get. Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are (after all) the illiterate form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much good it did them. Real Programmers don't write application programs; they program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. Real Programmers know better than the users what they need. Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night. Real Programmers don't like the "team programming" concept. Unless, of course, they are the Chief Programmer. Real Programmers never write memos on paper. They send memos via electronic mail. Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room. Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental midgets. Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to think big. Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers firm up schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real Programmers ignore schedules. Real Programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. VENDING MACHINES DON'T SELL QUICHE.