• World's Scientists Admit They Just Don't Like Mice
  
  
• Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils
  
  
• Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs
  
  
• New Horizontal Device Prevents Falls To Basement
  
  
• Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People
  
  
• Mean Scientists Dash Hopes Of Life On Mars
  
  
• Every New Yorker Found Murdered
  
  
• Mad Scientist's Plot Thwarted By Budget Cuts
  
  
• Study Finds Jack Shit
  
  
• Take-Charge, Can-Do Guy Makes Horrible Decisions
  
  
• NASA Announces Future Shuttle Launches Will Be Sudden And Without Warning
  
  
• Privacy Advocates Refuse To Release New Report
  
  
• New Study Too Frightening To Release
  
  
• We're Sick And Tired Of Raising Your Young
  
  
• Department Of Libel: Drew Carey Killed A Guy And Paid To Cover It Up
  
  
• Maverick Hunter's "Human Beings As Prey" Plan Not As Challenging As Expected
  
  
• Dog Urine Lowers Heart-Attack Risk, Say Snickering Researchers
  
  
• New Solar System Discovered Four Feet From Earth
  
  
• Bloodless Coup A Real Letdown
  
  
• National Science Foundation: Science Hard
  
  
• Life Jackets Issued To All Americans For Some Reason
  
  
• Mars Rover Beginning To Hate Mars
  
  
• Frito-Lay Angrily Introduces Line Of Healthy Snacks
  
  
• What Kind Of Powdered Chocolate Drink Mix Have We Unleased Upon The World?