From: flash@lopez.UUCP (Flash Hoser) Newsgroups: alt.recovery,alt.romance,soc.singles,soc.couples Subject: Letters to Myself (Repost) (Long) Summary: Self Talk Keywords: Resolve, Love, Growth Date: 22 Jul 91 18:41:55 GMT A couple weeks ago, I posted an article consisting of three previous articles (Radio Groupies, Physical Apperance, How I Found Love) which were requested by a netter. Response was favorable, and several folks asked me to post more. I post here about once a year or so, and usually due to "churn" we have many new people on the net who might be in a situation where these articles might be helpful. Following are two reposted articles. This is the first of two posts to soc.singles entitled "Letters to Myself" BACKGROUND: I went through a rather dismal 7 year marriage to a woman who did not love me, and so informed me on our wedding night. I spent those 7 years trying to make the impossible work. I failed. Following the inevitable divorce, I had a very intense affair which had some marvelous high points, but which ended in a lot of pain. I decided to become a monk for a while, to sort things out, and spent a year living in a cabin on a lake, abandoning my social life in favor of straightening things out. The result of this analysis and contemplation were TWO letters which were written from one side of my brain to the other. From the rational me to the irrational me. I made a promise to myself that if I ever fell in love again, I would read letter #1 and share it with my new found lady. I also promised that if I ever got to the point of feeling REALLY suicidal, I would read letter #2. The rationalle for these letters is that I never was one to accept advice from others, but I KNEW that if I heard it from myself, it would be harder to discount. Here is letter #1, THE LOVE LETTER. -------------------- CLIP HERE -------------------- Lake Kawbagum July 15, 1978 12:25AM EST A Letter to Myself Dear Gary, So you're in love! Truly I couldn't be happier for you... and you thought it would never happen again. Congratulations are in order and I'm sure you have been celebrating, and enjoying some beautiful moments with your newfound dear one. Enjoy and share, you deserve it. You probably remember writing this letter, otherwise you would not be reading it now, but perhaps you have forgotten what is written in this missive. After all, no doubt, it has been a while, and some of the lessons recently learned may also have dimmed along with the other memories of the eventful first half of 1978. My reason for writing is to remind you of a few things that you right now are not even thinking about. No I am not writing to discourage you, to put a damper on the happiness that you have found. This is just a gentle self-communication written at a time of awareness, strength and resolve. You do not always take advice from others, but perhaps you will listen to yourself. She's beautiful isn't she. I admire your good taste. Is she PERFECT? Do you find yourself thinking that she is "the ideal"? Perhaps she is. Don't take your blinders completely off, part of the joy of new love is that initial wonderment of finding all the parts that fit together so ideally. Enjoy that happy discovery time, but be objective enough to see tha parts that don't mesh. Store them for now, but don't ignore or totally discount them, especially the ones that will eventually lead to potential conflict. Like the Physical activity thing with J***. Be aware of these areas. Maybe you should write them down. I know you do not like to play "head level" games, especially at a time like this... but you know how easily your thought centers get switched off. No, you are not the type to approach love from a totally logical thought/decision level; but don't throw all logic to the wind. Be objective. Please try. Somewhat objective anyway. But also, won't worry about everything so much. Find the balance. Flow with your feelings. For the most part you can trust them. They have been tempered by your experiences of the past. You have grown up a lot and learned a lot from what happened with L***, M*** A**, and J***. You are stronger now, and perhaps for the first time in your life really ready for a genuine honest loving relationship. You wouldn't be where you are now if you weren't. Don't worry about "blowing it". Paranoid is the self destruct button. If you feel it slipping a little, let it slip a little. Maybe it needs to be looser. If it is real, it will maintain. Thou shalt not grovel. Don't be so quick to point out your faults to her. Whe will find them herself. She won't believe you anyway if you tell her outright. Just be yourself. Be on good behaviour, but don't pretend to be what you are not to impress her. That will only make it harder later. You know you are a good actor, but keep it real. Remember, you want this one to last. Be honest, but do not belabor things. Don't play games with her or yourself. Let her see you as you are. She is sensitive and hopefully she's accepting enough to understand your idiosyncracies, so don't make a big deal out of it. Make sure she is being honest with you as well. This is harder, surely. She may not trust things just now. It's new. She's not completely sure of it any more than you are. BUT there are signs. They were there with J***. You sensed them, but ignored them. Be observant enough to acknowledge those signs, to yourself. And if it looks like a potential problem, discuss it with her gently. Let her know your concerns. She cares too. But for God's sake do it at the right time and place. Let the newness pass. Don't spoil the joy. Give as much as you can to her right now, and gladly accept that which she gives you. Just be honest. And while you must not play quizmaster with her, try to be aware of the genuinness of her acceptance. Be honest with yourself about YOUR ACCEPTANCE OF HER. Is there something you have been ignoring, blinded to, or saying "it will pass" to? You are very tollerant, to be sure. Sometimes too much so. Remember L***'s dogs, and J***'s escapades to the USSR. Make sure you can handle whatever the differences are. Differences are good, for variety is a spice, but be sure of those differences. Think them through, and make sure they do not get in the way of the sharing, or hack away at the relationship. Beware of things that happen too fast. If she said that she loves you before she really knows you, (the way J*** did), remain objective. Tell her what your heart says to tell her, but always remember she is a woman, and hence can change her mind. You can change yours as well. Sad as it may be, you have learned that "forever" can be an illusion. Remember J***'s enthusiasm when you first met. Don't let that keep you from giving and loving now, but remember what can happen. Make sure there is a net of some kind beneath you. In other words, don't give up everything, as you almost did with J*** until you are reasonably sure. Your net with J*** was your broadcasting career. Just think of how messed up you would have been if you had moved to Minneapolis without a job, and then things changed the way they did. Stay objective. Look out for NUMBER ONE. Survive. You won't be any good to your new love or yourself if you set up potentials for distruction. She can not satisfy all of your needs, nor can you satisfy all hers. Beware of the expectations trap. Just make sure that the biggies are met on both sides. I hope you agree on what is important. The little sh*t will work itself out, but the big sh*t does not go away. Is she affectionate? You need that as much as any other thing. Do you have reasonably the same ideas about the meaning of sex? Is she also a non-materialist. If not, beware the potential pitfalls. Make sure she knows you have no intentions of giving up your career situation just to make more money. Remember the distaste you have for materialistic people. Is this an area where your blinders are on? Remember what happened with L*** (ex wife) and what could have happened with M*** A**. J*** was unusual in this regard, most people ARE materialistic. You do not want her to see you as an under achiever the way L*** did. She must understand that your dedication to your work is more important than financial B.S. L*** thought she could change this in you, and you thought you could make her become more affectionate and sensuous. You both failed. SO BE CAREFUL in the key areas. You know them but think hard about each one: LOVE/AFFECTION/DEMONSTRATIVENESS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You need to give and receive a lot of love. It is a strength. DOES SHE AGREE AND UNDERSTAND? SEX/SENSUALITY ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Love is more important than sex to you, but remember your high level of testosterone. DO YOU ACCEPT ONE ANOTHER'S SEXUALITY? Can you adjust to one another's differences? Is she open to new things? Are you? Is it a time to laugh and enjoy, or "all business". Know your needs in this area. And hers. I know you have talked about it, but reflect upon it. You want to be totally faithful to her, so make sure you can satisfy one another. FINANCES/MATERIALISM ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If it is heading toward living together, make sure you both agree on what is important and what is not regarding materialism. Neither of you is likely to change your basic drives and desires in this area. Let her know your reticence and inability to being a "provider". Stress being a "partner". I do not think you would have gotten this far, though if she and you are all that different, but be sure she is honest and that you are honest as well. NEATNESS/HOUSEHOLD CRAP/HABITS/BEHAVIOR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHere are you now in this regard. Can she accept your level of orgainzation/disorganization. Can you accept hers? If you live separately, and just occaisionally cohabitate, this is no biggie, but be aware of the disaster potential here. People do not change their basic habits easily. You are not likely to at all, regardless of your intentions and promises. OBSESSIONS ~~~~~~~~~~ Yours is communications. If hers is in one of the communicative areas, no problem. Music, art, and related things will all work. YOU KNOW what happens with uncompatable obsessions. Remember those DOGS that were more important to L*** than you were, or the Russian "thing" with J***. Obsessive collection of Porcelain Bunny Rabbits, or Outdoor Sports, or any really incompatable obsession on her part will meke it difficult in times to come. Let her see your interests for what they are. I hope you have commonality here, i want it to last as much as you do. Some people can make it work with incompatable or non-connected interests, but BEWARE the PITFALLS. NOW the HARD part. Does she really love you? The REAL you? Or is she in love with love, or what she THINKS you are? Your depth of emotion brings that out in women, and makes them blind to your potential incompatabilities. You will note I did not say "weaknesses" Weakness and strength are relative. Make sure she sees you as you are before you make any total committment. Give her a lot, but never give her everything. She always wants to reach for more, and if she has the whole thing, there will be nothing more to reach for. You give more than most men, so holding back just a little, will still be giving her a lot. DO YOU REALLY LOVE HER? That is a toughy. I know you THINK you know, but take time to be objective. You know your capacity to get obsessive on love. Remember that she is counting on you. You must therefore be as honest as you can be with your own feelings. You have changed a lot in the past year. And you have changed a lot, I am sure, since this letter was written. BUT most of it should still apply. I wish you luck, joy and happiness with her. I pray that it lasts this time. BUT remember, if it does not work, you are strong enough to lick your wounds and try again. It may not seem so at the time, but you've done it before. I believe in you Love, Gary ________________ CLIP HERE _______________ Epilogue: I placed the letter in folder and tucked it away. I went on with my life for almost three years. Then I met Elaine. She had also been alone for three years, having been through much of the same pains I had. When we started getting very very very serious, I dug out the above letter. I read it to her. We had a long talk about each point in the letter. We found that we were even more compatable than we had thought. That was in 1980, and we are still together, having weathered storms that neither of us would have thought possible. We have been through three fires, two hurricaines, one disabling disease, Both of us losing our careers (she no longer teaches, and I am OUT of radio now). Through it all we have stood by one another come "Hell or High Water". Point being, LOVE CAN WORK. It takes dedication, prayer, and paying some attention to whom we get involved with. The mind must be employed as well as the heart. I do not believe in "luck". There is one more letter in this series, and I will post it immediately following this. I offer these in hopes that they will help those on the net who might some day find themselves in similar circumstances. ---------------------------------------- This is post #2 to soc.singles of "Letters to Myself". BACKGROUND: This second letter was written to be read were I ever to feel TRULY SUICIDAL. I made a promise to myself that I would first read it before doing anything rash... I offer it to the net, and encourage net members to perhaps write a similar letter for their own use. This one takes into account my own personality and quirks. ----------------------- CLIP HERE ------------------------ THE SURVIVAL LETTER Lake Kawbagum July 25, 1978 3:23AM EST Dear Gary, No all is not lost, and yes you will make it. This letter is being written in the event that all seems hopeless and you do not know where to turn. I hope it never needs to be read, but just in case, please check the contents before declaring life nul and void. Remember the prime directive: SURVIVE. This is, indeed, the meaning of life. It is your first obligation to yourself; To opt for non-survival may seem the "easy way out", since it provides a quick answer to what seem to be insurmountable hassles. Non-survival, however, has one drawback. It is no fun. Now, fun may not be something you are considering at the moment, but there are other things that non-survival emlminates. Love, Music, Laughter, New Knowledge, and the possibility of boundless joy are also eliminated. Ergo, nonsurvival serves no purpose, since there are alternatives. ~~~ THINGS ARE NOT AS BAD AS THEY SOMETIMES SEEM. When at a low ebb, the world can seem impossible to deal with, but you have the tools to deal with it, if you so choose. Having more than your share of emotions is sometimes a blessing, for you have the ability to enjoy life more... but beware the negative half of the sine wave... You tend to amplify things bryond their real perspective. Although you may not think so, you will get through this. If you do NOTHING, inertia will eventually get you out of it, but you can get out of it faster yourself. Here are some survival tools and techniques you have and can use. There are probably others, but these are tried and true: LOGIC ~~~~~ You have the ability to think things through. You may not choose to or want to at the moment, but if you put your mind to it, you can come up with a solution. The best way to use logic is to organize the situation. Write it down. Look at it. Write down possible solutions, even unreasonable ones (Such as: Inherit a million dollars). Do not eliminate any possibilities in the initial stage. By putting everything down, you may find that some of the unreasonable solutions might be possible (who knows, you MIGHT have a rich uncle)... Examine the list, but do not become obsessive about the problem. Put it away for a while and go about the business of life, then come back ot it. Worry is the biggest and energy waster you have going against you. Whether you choose to worry or not, the problem will still be there. Concern is positive. Worry is negative. Chose which is more logical for you. EMOTIONAL STRENGTHS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You are not immune to pain, but damn near. You have been in situations just as bad if not worse than this. At least it seemed so at the time. You made it before, you will make it again. You might have to sacrifice. You have sacrificed before. It hurts to let things go, whether it is a loved one, your bankroll, or an internal organ, but you CAN do it. There are other lovers, other money, and transplants. You can change your lifestyle and adapt. This is your greatest strength. You can ride out the storm, and you have the drive to rebuild that which you have lost. You must CHOOSE to survive and rebulid. Realize that the low state of emoiton where you do not have the energy or desire to rebuild is only a phase. Therefore don't do anything to only make it worse for later. If you must wallow, take care of business first. Do your work, and a few things around the home to keep basic survival going. Then do your wallowing. Perhaps you need it if it does not waste too much time. Don't wallow around your friends, though. They care about you and it will only upset them, perhaps even alienate them. Especially if there is nothing that they can do to help you, which most likely there is not. Stay in touch with yourself and the situation, and know your feelings. SENSE OF HUMOR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Some day this will make a wonderful night club act. Like the plumbing disasters, the frozen weekend, the amazing car hassles. Watch for punch lines. Most misery is comedy and vice versa. Not all of it, perhaps. Sickness and death of loved ones is an exception, but your own sickness and adventures may one day be looked at in a humourous light... Like your Kidney Stone Story, you can turn most things into an interesting or entertaining tale. This will be no exception. Think of it as an interesting diversion, for it is indeed that. ACTION ~~~~~~ In the end, this is the only way you will solve the problem. Do something. ANYTHING, even the WRONG thing. Get off dead center. Don't do anything drastic unless it is necessary, unless other things don't work. Don't try and solve it all at once. That's why it seems unsolvable. Tackle the easy sh*t first, and pick away at it. You may find that it isn't big sh*t at all, just a lot of little sh*t. Usually this is the case. As long as you sit on your a$$ in misery, you will be sitting on your a$$ in misery. If you get up and DO SOMETHING you may still be miserable, but you wont be "sitting on your a$$ miserable". Yeah, it sounds like B.S., but you know it is not B.S. since in the past, you have finally gotten up off your a$$, and what do you know... The misery went away, and you found laughter and a lot of other things that don't come to miserable a$$ sitters. Even if it takes much effort to do something, do one little thing today. One tiny little thing. See if you don't feel better. Trust me. VISION ~~~~~~ You can see where you want to be. You have the tools to get there. You can build bridges or swim if you have to. It takes effort, but provides challenge. It is up to you to accept the challenge and solve the problem. Most problems will solve easiliy for you in time. Use your tools. Step back from it all, if you can, and see how it got that way, and what you can do to get out of it. You should be able to do this. However if you can not get back far enough to see the picture, find someone on the outside. A trusted friend, an interested associate, or if need be, a professional. Understand that YOU must do the solving, but to solve, you must first see. Usually it is more than one factor that gets you into the misery state. The last time you were there, it seemed like the whole world was wrong and your luck was totally abominable. For a time it was. But from sad fortune came strength, new friends and a couple of good stories. AND once you solved a couple of the big hassles, the little hassles were easier to deal with. In fact some of them were no longer hassles at all. You have a lot to offer the world, and yourself. You might not believe it if anyone else told you that, but you can take it from me. I'm not going to give you any crap about happiness being just around the corner. There is another CORNER around the corner, and another corner around that, THEN perhaps happiness, and THEN another CORNER. Life is not "happily ever after", and it would be boring as hell if it were. SO hold on to the happiness, and try and take some if it with you around the next corner. INNER PEACE ~~~~~~~~~~~ You have found this, and it is yours to keep. It comes from accepting yourself, and the world, and from your personal religious convictions. From understanding what is happening in your mind and your heart. You will always have this peace if you allow it to be felt, for it is always there. Just look at all the neat stuff you have going for you. I hate pep talks. This is the part where the letter would say "go get 'em", but you do not need that bovine feces. Anyway, YOU choose where you go and what you do. Whether you "get 'em" or not is up to you. Or would you rather be a mule. Love, Gary ------------------------- CLIP ------------------------- Epilogue: Since I wrote this letter, and it's companion, "The Love Letter", I have never come to actually feeling so rotten that I wanted to end it all. Perhaps my 20's were the hardest. Life did not get any easier, but I did develop the tools mentioned above, and they DID work. I have re read the letter every few years, to see if my attitudes have changed any. I confess that in the 10+ years since they were written, I do feel a bit different, and a LOT more mature, and able to deal with things. EXPERIENCE is the best teacher. My own hardships have later turned out to be GROWING and LIFE CHANGING experiences that were all for the good. Life is a really nifty deal. -- =Marquette MI: It's Not the END of the world, but you can see it from here= == Gary Bourgois flash@lopez (rutgers!sharkey!lopez!flash) GWN UPLink == == 3.950 Nationwide Amateur Radio Nightly after 0200z=Learning Channel == =============== WB8EOH = The Eccentric Old Hippie = WB8EOH ================