Path: bloom-picayune.mit.edu!snorkelwacker.mit.edu!americast.com!americast.com!americast-post Newsgroups: americast.twt.life From: americast-post@AmeriCast.Com Organization: American Cybercasting Approved: americast-post@AmeriCast.com Subject: Where do I sign up to become a Date: Tue, 3 Nov 92 15:19:55 EST Message-ID: \SE E;LIFE;KNOTT NECESSARILY \HD Where do I sign up to become a pundit? \BY Tom Knott \CR THE WASHINGTON TIMES So it's not a done deal. We do get to vote today, just you and me. As Joe Gibbs likes to say, it's gut-check time. No more polls. No more promises. No more position papers. No more pundits. I don't know about you, but I've been wondering what you have to do to become a pundit. It seems like easy work if you can land it. All you have to do is act important and blow lots of hot air. I can do that: I wasn't too happy with President Bush, either. I read his lips in 1988, and look what happened. He raised taxes and let the thieves on Capitol Hill have their way. It was a dumb move, yet he has had the political fortitude to say so during the campaign season. Here's a politician who says, "OK, people, I blew it. I screwed up. I owe you one." Politicians aren't usually very good at this. They do not like to admit their fallibility. Instead, they like to talk around it or blame the news media or suggest they're victims of a sinister conspiracy designed to besmirch their good name. Bill Clinton, who does not inhale, is like this. He is a wonderful storyteller. He didn't inhale. He didn't dodge the draft. He didn't raise taxes a zillion times in Arkansas. He didn't sleaze around with Gennifer Flowers. He didn't actually organize anti-war protests in London. He didn't know his exact feelings on the Persian Gulf war. He didn't marry a looney lawyer named Hillary Clinton. And he can't remember. It wouldn't be so bad if at some point during the campaign, Mr. Does Not Inhale had come out and said, "Look, folks, I did go over to Gennifer's place one or two times over 12 years. It wasn't true love or anything. It was just something that happened. I'm not proud of it. I'm not perfect. And I'm not running for priesthood." Unfortunately, he is running to lead the greatest nation in the world, and occasionally, this requires a person to be brave, stand tall and take the heat. Do we really want Mr. Does Not Inhale sitting across from Russian President Boris Yeltsin at the negotiating table? Mr. Does Not Inhale: "I'll give you Alaska or an autographed copy of the Penthouse magazine with Gennifer in it if you promise to be nice to me." Mr. Yeltsin: "I want both." Even Mr. Does Not Inhale's pledge not to raise taxes on the middle class is so full of cockamamie math that his apologists in the press and Hollyweird have had a hard time selling it to intellectually inferior beings like you and me. His magic number is $200,000. Yeah, right. Tell us another one. And he has, one after the other. He has told us about his accomplishments in Arkansas - although the last time anyone checked, the Razorbacks were keeping company with West Virginia and Mississippi. Mr. Bush, who has an endearing way with the English language, has called them "bozos," the Democratic ticket of Mr. Does Not Inhale and Al "The Sky Is Falling" Gore. This term offends many of the "journalistic entities" along the New York-Washington corridor, most of whom haven't recovered from their days in school when they were coerced into parting with their lunch money. The "entities" like clean, boring campaigns, because it allows them to stay in their rarefied air and not come down to the level of ordinary Americans, many of whom actually use four-letter words when they are trying to change lanes on the Beltway. Come to find out, courtesy of this newspaper, Mr. Sky Is Falling comes from a family of serious litterbugs. Mr. Sky Is Falling disputed the garbage dump's existence on his father's property until an enterprising Nashville, Tenn., television station showed otherwise. Mr. Sky Is Falling had one of four damage-control options: a.) come clean, as it were; b.) lie; c.) condemn the messenger; or d.) be a weasel and lie and condemn the messenger. Alas, he chose to be a weasel. As for Ross "X-Large Q-tips" Perot, he made it up as he went along and eventually alienated much of his support. His whoppers would be as worrisome as Mr. Does Not Inhale's if he had a chance to win. A few months from now, though, the American public won't even be able to remember his name. He'll just be the what's-his-name guy who had the incredible antennae. I don't know about you, but I'm applying to be a pundit as soon as the election is over. This article is copyright 1992 The Washington Times. Redistribution to other sites is not permitted except by arrangement with American Cybercasting Corporation. For more information, send-email to usa@AmeriCast.COM