Path: bloom-picayune.mit.edu!snorkelwacker.mit.edu!americast.com!americast.com!americast-post Newsgroups: americast.twt.life From: americast-post@AmeriCast.Com Organization: American Cybercasting Approved: americast-post@AmeriCast.com Subject: Single parents: The tension sneaks in Date: Wed, 4 Nov 92 16:16:30 EST Message-ID: \SE D;LIFE;WAY OF LIFE;CHILDREN TODAY \SS (WS) \HD Single parents: The tension sneaks in \BY Dr. Charles Schwarzbeck \CR SCRIPPS HOWARD NEWS SERVICE Philip, 13, is on his usual after-school route. After a day of final exams, he rides his bike away from a playground basketball game and toward his 9-year-old brother's elementary school. He will find his brother and together they will go home to a less-than-ideal situation. The small house where they live is in a struggling neighborhood. Many of the families are poor. Sometimes it is not a good place for unsupervised play. But like many of their friends in the neighborhood, the boys will go home to an empty house. Gloria, their mom, will arrive from work after 6:30 p.m. to find the boys arguing. Gloria says that she and Philip are always fighting as well these days, a situation she sees as a power struggle. "It's always little things. I think we do it to each other," she says. "He got into a fight with one of the 'losers' at school for no reason. He told me it was because the boy said something to one of his friends. How ridiculous! "I can't complain about his academics. He's doing very well. Sometimes he's testy with his science teacher, but that's true with several boys in that class. The school said not to get too worked up about his fighting that boy, but I can't help it. "His father was a fighter, a drinker, too." When Gloria and her teen-ager are together these days, tension comes quickly. While this youngster is easily faulted, we can see that Gloria also is more into competition than problem solving. Mother and son both entered adolescence this year. Their relationship has changed dramatically. Philip continues to help out with his little brother and with chores at home. In the world of 13-year-olds, he is responsible. Yet, as Philip grows taller and his voice changes, "little things" (his mother's term) trigger conflict with Gloria. Gloria is a single mom trying to raise two sons single-handedly and both of her children are growing up normally. Their family, to use a politically popular term, exemplifies good "family values." Single motherhood is a common but complicated phenomenon. The dynamics of families led by one parent, especially mothers, is being studied by family therapists. Fathering is also being carefully researched. Rather than try to argue political strategies, it is important to be clear about some facts and recent findings. Single motherhood usually comes about because marriages don't work; the break-up is frequently triggered by the arrival of a child. Family researchers are finding many factors that attract men and women to marry that neither partner is aware of. Both sexes can list reasons why they like the other, beginning with physical attraction and shared interests. But they may not be aware of what else one or both partners bring to the marriage - unresolved issues from childhood, such as fear of or longing to be cared for. These fears and private hopes may be mutually avoided during courting and engagement. Many husbands and wives discover them for the first time when babies arrive. This is when the longing to be cared for, or fears that go with the longing, fuel sadness or panic. Marriages become complicated. Often arguing and sexual affairs are used to cover up these issues that stem from the parents' own childhoods. Fathers leave mothers, who stay with their children. Single motherhood is created by failures in marital and in first family dependency. Gloria and her husband separated when Philip arrived. They tried to get back together after a divorce, which resulted in Philip's brother. But by the fifth month of pregnancy, they realized it was hopeless. Today Gloria struggles with the normal life of a single-parent family, made more difficult during Philip's adolescence. He longs to practice competition and male behavior with a grown-up male and is trying to figure out how to be both dependent and competent. This is what fuels his conflicts with his mom. While he loves Gloria, he longs for his father and resents his absence. In some ways, he blames his parent in residence: his single mother. For Gloria, Philip's entrance into adolescence "activated" her difficulties with male-female relations and her longing to be taken care of. Teen-agers, by virtue of becoming sexual, force parents to reconsider their own sexuality and their reliance on each other. There are also women who have done some careful soul-searching about dependency, intimacy and sexuality. They choose to have a baby alone because of their concerns about difficulties with these issues and with what will be triggered by the coming of a baby in their intimate relationship with a man. Single motherhood has to do with struggles with longings and fears. It has to do with being left by husbands. It has to do with soul-searching. It has to do with sadness. It has to do with being poor and with trying to be two parents. I can count on one hand the single mothers I know who are guilty of "bearing babies irresponsibly." Dr. Schwarzbeck is a member of the clinical teaching faculty at the University of Washington's School of Medicine in Seattle. This article is copyright 1992 The Washington Times. Redistribution to other sites is not permitted except by arrangement with American Cybercasting Corporation. For more information, send-email to usa@AmeriCast.COM