Path: bloom-picayune.mit.edu!snorkelwacker.mit.edu!americast.com!americast.com!americast-post Newsgroups: americast.twt.life From: americast-post@AmeriCast.Com Organization: American Cybercasting Approved: americast-post@AmeriCast.com Subject: If e'er the twain meet, all civility goes south Date: Sat, 7 Nov 92 19:23:58 EST Message-ID: \SE B;LIFE;BRUSH STROKES \SS (WS) \HD If e'er the twain meet, all civility goes south \BY Stephanie Brush \CR TRIBUNE MEDIA SYNDICATE Once I had an aunt who served in the Peace Corps, and when she returned to the United States after three years in Africa, she talked quite a lot about the experience of "culture shock." This is an expression I always took to mean "alien cultures at war inside your brain." But you don't have to leave the United States to get culture shock, big-time. You only have to commute between New York City (where I used to live) and rural Idaho (where I live now). I see myself, these days, as an intra-American ambassador. When I'm in a bar in Idaho, someone always takes me by the lapels, looks deep into my eyes and says, "Please answer ONE QUESTION - just ONE QUESTION: Why on Earth does anyone live in New York?" And when I'm in New York, someone always takes me by the lapels and says, "ONE QUESTION: Why on Earth does anyone live in Idaho?" And the problem is, while you are physically in New York, you cannot answer this question. And when you are physically in Idaho, you cannot answer the first one, either. It's like trying to translate the English alphabet into Klingon while your brain is hopelessly suspended in zero gravity. Once a New York man said to me, "I would be scared of Idaho. I hear that everyone carries a gun." And an Idaho man once said, "I hear that everyone in New York is narrow-minded." But it gets better than that. People in both Idaho and New York feel luxuriously free to dislike each other's state (or city) - without having any idea, in practice, where that state, or city, actually IS. I have performed this test many, many times: I have shown a woman in Idaho a blank map of the United States. "Show me New York," I've said. She's pointed to Montana. "No, EAST," I've said. She's pointed to eastern Montana. I once asked a cab driver in Manhattan to show me Idaho. He pointed to New Jersey. "Try again," I said. He pointed to New Hampshire. I said, "POTATOES." He pointed to Steubenville, Ohio. "But one thing's for sure," they both assured me, "I would never, ever go there." Which is a touching concept, when you consider that neither of these people allowed the concept of how they would FIND it to get in the way. Here is what I call the Generic I-Would-Never-Want-to-Live-There Policy Statement for both parts of the United States (and learn to live with it, people. Both ARE parts of the United States. It's just that in Idaho, a "pickup" is a truck, and in New York, it's a bar on First Avenue.) Only certain key words are changed, but the gist is the same for each region: "I have a friend who visited that place once (insert 'THE EAST' or 'THE WEST') and I hear it is really, really terrible. For one thing, I hear it's impossible to find a (insert either 'TREE' OR 'BAGEL'). "But that isn't the worst of it. Just try having a conversation in a place where 100 percent of the population is (insert either 'RUDE' or 'FUNCTIONALLY MORONIC'). "I mean, my friend who visited there told me that a total stranger came up to him on the street and (insert either 'SHOT HIM TO DEATH' or 'TRIED TO BE FRIENDLY FOR NO APPARENT REASON'). "I also hear that people dress and look really weird. Like, I mean, half the time you walk down the street and see (insert either 'WOMEN' or 'MEN') wearing cowboy boots. "Also, they have terrible racial problems. It isn't even safe for a (insert 'WHITE' or 'NONWHITE') person to walk down the street. "Then there's this business about culture. (Insert 'WHO NEEDS IT?' and 'WHERE IS IT?') I mean, what is it people do there (insert 'DURING THE DAY' and 'AT NIGHT')? And what is it they do (insert 'WHEN THEY'RE NOT WORKING' and 'WHEN THEY'RE NOT SNOWMOBILING')? "Haven't they ever heard of (insert 'WELFARE' and 'HEALTH CLUBS')? "Isn't that the reason they're so (insert 'UNHEALTHY' or 'FAT')? "And isn't that what makes them so ('TOTALLY IGNORANT' or 'COMPLETELY IGNORANT')? "And isn't it people like that who made us have to stoop to the likes of (insert 'ROSS PEROT' AND 'ROSS PEROT')? "Anyway, I'm glad I don't live there, 'cause I just don't get it." And now, your humble columnist has got to take a break because she's got a splitting headache. This is really a great country, and the next four years are going to represent an exciting new beginning - if only there weren't so many AMERICANS here. This article is copyright 1992 The Washington Times. Redistribution to other sites is not permitted except by arrangement with American Cybercasting Corporation. For more information, send-email to usa@AmeriCast.COM