Path: bloom-picayune.mit.edu!snorkelwacker.mit.edu!americast.com!americast.com!americast-post Newsgroups: americast.twt.life From: americast-post@AmeriCast.Com Organization: American Cybercasting Approved: americast-post@AmeriCast.com Subject: Erroneous eros: Author knows subject firsthand Date: Mon, 16 Nov 92 17:03:26 EST Message-ID: \SE D;LIFE;WAY OF LIFE \SS (WS) \HD Erroneous eros: Author knows subject firsthand \BY Saul Rubin \CR COPLEY NEWS SERVICE Maybe it was when she was being sawed in half for the umpteenth time by her then-husband, magician Doug Henning, that Barbara De Angelis asked herself: Is this all there is to love? Or perhaps that empty feeling crept into her soul after she exchanged vows, and ohms, with a follower of Transcendental Meditation. Later there was a nutritionist and, finally, a therapist who walked in - and then out - of her life. Four up and four down. Give her credit for trying, but marriage just wasn't working. "I got married for all the wrong reasons," she says. Sounds like someone who needs therapy. Instead, for more than a decade, Ms. De Angelis has been the one dishing out amorous advice to thousands of others. Her personal quest to unravel the mysteries of love led her to a doctorate in psychology and a high-profile career as a love therapist on radio and television. Her radio call-in show on KFI-AM in Los Angeles and her daytime television show on CBS are no more. But she continues to teach a popular seminar on "Making Love Work" at the Los Angeles Personal Growth Center, which she founded 10 years ago. And she's just published her third book, "Are You the One For Me?" (Delacorte), a 353-page guide to avoiding Mr. or Ms. Wrong. "I've been in the trenches. I've been through it all," she says. "I don't read anyone else's books. I write from my own experience. Through my own pain, I have compassion for other people." Finally, at 41, she also may have some answers - for herself and for others. Her new book is devoted primarily to the mistakes errant lovers make when choosing a mate. The most crucial gaffe, she says, is not taking the time to think about what you're getting into. "People spend more time selecting a car or a video player than they do selecting a relationship," she says. "I don't think it's a matter of luck or chance that a relationship doesn't work. Most relationships break up not because there's not enough love but because there's not enough compatibility." To zero in on who's best to share a pillow with, the book offers step-by-step guides, case studies, lists, quizzes and exercises. There's a sexual chemistry quiz, for example, that asks people to rate how they feel about statements such as: "I like the way my partner smells," or "I like the way my partner touches me when we aren't having sex." In another exercise, the reader is asked to write an emotional want ad for a person he or she would like to meet. The twist is that the ad has to be based on the qualities of a reader's past mates. As an example, Ms. De Angelis offers this ad: "Do you hate yourself? Do you hate the world? Do you like to blame everyone else for what's gone wrong in your life? I'm looking for an immature, sexually damaged woman who will whine and complain twenty-four hours a day." The point being made here is that while we think we desire great qualities in romantic partners, what we actually settle for is quite different. Ms. De Angelis finally may have made the right choice herself - the fifth time around. She's been romantically involved with chiropractor Jeffrey James for the past six years. So far, they're taking it in stride, holding off on any marriage plans. That was once unheard of for Ms. De Angelis. "I was a commitment junkie. I never just slept with a man; I married him," she says. What she was doing, she knows, was trying to have the perfect marriage that her parents never did. They divorced when she was 11. "When I woke up to that, it was the revelation of my life," she says. Instead of searching for a man to marry, she sought out a career. Now hundreds of people spend the weekend at her center as she guides them along the slippery road to romantic bliss. This article is copyright 1992 The Washington Times. Redistribution to other sites is not permitted except by arrangement with American Cybercasting Corporation. For more information, send-email to usa@AmeriCast.COM