Path: bloom-picayune.mit.edu!snorkelwacker.mit.edu!americast.com!americast.com!americast-post Newsgroups: americast.twt.life From: americast-post@AmeriCast.Com Organization: American Cybercasting Approved: americast-post@AmeriCast.com Subject: Can Clinton spark a real redneck Date: Thu, 19 Nov 92 15:23:03 EST Message-ID: \SE E;LIFE;LIFELINES \HD Can Clinton spark a real redneck renaissance? \BY Rod Dreher \CR THE WASHINGTON TIMES Dear Bill: Now that you're here learning your way around Washington, let me caution you not to forget where you came from. I've been on the phone with my kinfolks in Purtymouth, La., who all voted for you because if there's one thing they can't stand more than a Democrat, it's a Yankee - especially one pretending to be a Southerner. Big Ray, my daddy, says everybody down there's getting ready for a cultural renaissance in this country because of you. Down in Purtymouth, the cracker population knows that you, despite your Oxford education and highfalutin' wife, are one of us, Bubba. We anticipate the aesthetic values of Southern White Trash - our values - will soon be ascendant in this nation, and doggone it, ain't it about time? The last Southern president we had, Jimmy Carter, failed us by forgetting where he came from. Came up to Washington and acted like he didn't even know his brother, Billy. Folks in Purtymouth like to think that if sainted Billy (who has gone on to his reward in that Great Bingo Hall in the sky) were still alive, the Clinton White House would welcome him with open arms. So this is what we'd like to see happen in the next four years: * The razing of the White House. Sentiment runs high in some quarters for plowing under the executive mansion and replacing it with a life-sized replica of Graceland. Most folks, however, believe the building is part of our precious national heritage, and should be left standing. Why not spruce up the premises with new aluminum siding? Put a limo on concrete blocks in the Rose Garden just for show. Or better yet, move a double-wide trailer onto the front lawn for use as the family residence, and only use the White House for entertaining bigwigs and foreigners. Big Ray, Purtymouth's trailer-court slumlord, thinks the Mall ought to be turned into the country's biggest mobile home park for all those new government workers coming to town. He wants to bid on the franchise. * A revolution in the White House kitchen. Look for barges loaded with cream of mushroom soup, french-fried onions, Cheese Nips and Crisco lumbering up the Potomac from Southern ports. My maw-maw, who would deep-fat fry a cabbage if she could figure out how to make the breading stick, can't wait to see old Francois Mitterrand dealing with tuna casserole, potato chip sandwiches, squeeze cheese, Moon Pies, Vienna sausages and Jell-O fruit salads at state dinners. * Obesity as a fashion statement. We call it "looking prosperous." You can knock off all that silly jogging, Bill, and let that belly grow to its proper cracker proportions. Maw-maw says skinny lillo (Southern for "little old") Hillary won't look right until she has wattles under her arms, flapping in the breeze. * Socks, the First Cat, has to go. We need a First Chihuahua, and we'll call him Tiny. * Crocheted cozies on as many White House objects as possible. In particular, the googly-eyed poodle-style cozies should cover the Mad Dog 20/20 in the liquor cabinet. Sequined fruit also adds a certain je ne sais quoi to a parlor. * Renaming Chelsea something pretty, like Tammy Sue or Lurlinda Faye. Pull her out of school for a traditional shotgun marriage at 16. Only let her date bony, bad-toothed boys who wear faded "Rush" concert T-shirts and who cultivate mustaches like malnourished caterpillars and have faded "Skoal" rings on their jeans pockets. * Federal regulation of the live bait bidness. Uncle Bully says people are getting plumb fed up with Junior Merritt's cricket racket at his bait stand. Junior has a 4-cent cricket bin and a 5-cent cricket bin. "The difference is, the 4-cent crickets are dead," says Junior, who's apparently smarter than the village idiot people take him for. I'm not making this up. * Tighter regs on local law enforcement. A few years back, Sheriff W.C. Percy gave Junior a deputy's badge just to make him quit asking. They didn't take it away when Junior backed up traffic half a mile down Purtymouth's main drag, checking driver's licenses. He can't read. Junior's "arresting" the Canadian tourists in the parking lot of the Kwik-E-Mart was the final straw, though. I'm not making this up either. * Take down all them ugly pictures hanging in the East Wing of the National Gallery (can't nobody understand 'em nohow), and replace them with White Trash Folk Art. We're talking poker-playing dogs, doe-eyed children on collector's plates from the Franklin Mint and the Bradford Exchange, paintings of teary-eyed clowns and, of course, as many black velvet Elvii tapestries as possible. * Affirmative action programs for the inbred. (We prefer to think of them as the "genetically challenged.") * Two mandatory hairstyle options for women: 1) the bad perm (hair should look stir-fried), or 2) the Farrah flip (parted down the middle with wings on either side). * Virginia Kelley, your momma, should head up a national committee to petition the Vatican for the beatification of Gladys Presley. * The end of sissy Bush-era sports like golf, horseshoes and cigarette boat racing. We need more bingo-playing, poaching and professional wrestling. * A perpetual gun, knife, and bass boat show in the Capitol Rotunda. * A gun rack in the White House limo, with dried tobacco spit on the driver's side. * Jessica Hahn as Official Presidential Concubine. * Kennedy Center Honors for the surviving members of Lynyrd Skynrd. * Unconditional amnesty for the Texas Cheerleader Mom. * PBS transformed into the Hee-Haw Network. Robin MacNeil and Jim Lehrer booted in favor of a Roy Clark-Buck Owens reunion. The highbrows can keep "Masterpiece Theatre," but Alistair Cooke's replacement has to be "Hee-Haw's" Junior "BR-549" Samples. Rod Dreher is the television critic of The Washington Times. This article is copyright 1992 The Washington Times. Redistribution to other sites is not permitted except by arrangement with American Cybercasting Corporation. For more information, send-email to usa@AmeriCast.COM