\documentclass[12pt]{sides}

\usepackage[margin=1in]{geometry}
                            
\title{}
\author{Waseem Daher}         
\date{May 13, 2006}

\begin{document}
\begin{center}
\textsc{Yes, You May Use Our Stapler} \\
a short play by\\
Waseem Daher
\end{center}

\stagedir{The curtain rises to reveal a very faintly-lit SIPB office,
at a point in the fairly distant future. We can barely make out the
contents of the room, but dust and cobwebs are everywhere, thickly
covering the computers. Rats scurry across the ground.}

\stagedir{Two flashlights begins to shine offstage, and we hear a man
trying to open the door, unsuccessfully. Frustrated, he gives up and
kicks it down.  \chara{Edward}, a British thirty-something with black
moustache, steps into the office and wipes off his slightly balding
forehead with a silk handkerchief. \chara{Craig}, twentyish with
sandy-blonde hair, steps in behind him, carrying much of the
equipment.}

\repl{Edward} My God\ldots we may have done it! Just wait till the
boys back home hear about this one.

\repl{Craig} What is this place?

\stagedir{\chara{Edward} pulls out a tiny brush and begins dusting off
the surfaces near him.}

\repl{Edward} Have you ever heard of SIPB?

\repl{Craig} Sip-bee?

\repl{Edward} It's fine, few archaeologists have. In fact, many of my
colleagues believe that it is just a myth.

\repl{Craig} What do you mean?

\repl{Edward} Well, no one agrees on the precise details, but the story goes
something like this: SIPB was an exclusive and mysterious cult, for
lack of a better word. They seemed to worship something called
``Athena.''  

\repl{Craig} The Greek goddess?

\repl{Edward} That's what we thought, too, for many years, but that
doesn't seem to be it. It was something else --- something so
incredibly complicated that only a select few could truly understand
it. And those that did kept it secret.  We only know that stapler-worship
and gratis staple-distribution played a central role in their activities.

\repl{Craig} They gave away staples?  My God!
 
\repl{Edward} It's incredible, I know, but you must remember that this was
before the Great Wars -- metal was still widely available.

\repl{Craig} I see... What does SIPB stand for, anyway?

\repl{Edward} We do not know what the letters ``SIPB'' originally
stood for, but near the end of SIPB's existence, we know that they
stood for, "Staples instead of projects, boo-ya!"

\repl{Craig} Strange... What makes this place so special? What are we looking
for?

\repl{Edward} Well, you see, initially, SIPB was responsible for
helping to maintain some primitive computing devices -- basically
advanced abacuses -- for a particular mental institution in
Massachusetts.  The book of zephyr tells of their many feats.

The SIPB was rumored to have an incredible technical library --- a veritable
Lighthouse of Alexandria, but much of it was claimed in a natural disaster.
My fellow archaeologists at Oxford have shown me some of the surviving
writings telling of Mr. ANSI's voyages across some sort of sea, and\ldots

\repl{Craig} Wait, I think I've found something.

\stagedir{\chara{Craig} finishes brushing off surface and pulls out a
sheet of paper.}

\repl{Edward} Be careful with that! What does it say?

\repl{Craig} I don't know, I can barely read it.  It is in a fixed-width
sans-hyper-serif font.  Blast this primitive typesetting!

\repl{Edward \\ \paren{taking paper from \chara{Craig}}} Hmm\ldots it
appears to be a document from the reign of a certain ``jbarnold,''
before the War.

\stagedir{\chara{Edward} mutters to himself while reading it.}

\repl{Edward} Something about \texttt{scripts.mit.edu}?

\repl{Craig} What is that?

\repl{Edward} That was a code word for some kind of world domination
plan.  They were well on their way to succeed, until their conflict
with a certain movie club, LSC.
 
\stagedir{\chara{Craig} gives \chara{Edward} a strange look.}

\repl{Edward} It's a long story, but the short version is that SIPB's
more sophisticated weaponry allowed them to win the war. We've heard
rumors of a weapon that could puncture 10 to 60 armored vehicles, in
one shot.  SIPB went on to play a larger role in global politics, but
the war destroyed much of their infrastructure, and they were unable
to complete their plans of world domination.

\stagedir{\chara{Edward} trails off distractedly as an object in the
back sparkles and grabs his eye. He begins to move towards it.}

\repl{Craig} What, what is that?

\repl{Edward \\ \paren{excitedly}} Could this be it?

\stagedir{\chara{Edward} unearths the ``Save in Case of Fire'' box.}

\repl{Edward} My God, it is! So the legends are true!

\repl{Craig} What?

\repl{Edward} In the course of their worship, the SIPBians placed all
their important documents in a tabernacle, of sorts. They called it
the ``Save in Case of Nuclear Holocaust'' box.   We seek the most
precious relic therein.

\repl{Craig} What is it?!?

\repl{Edward} The back of SIPB's copy of the first ``multics'' login
secretly contains a hidden treasure map!

\repl{Craig} My God!  Just like the US Declaration of Independence!

\repl{Edward} Yes, indeed.  The world's governments
are completely unprepared for the treasures that we will be able to find
using this map.

\stagedir{\chara{Edward} begins fishing around in the box, looking for
the document, his back to \chara{Craig}. While \chara{Edward} is not
watching, \chara{Craig} pulls a stapler from out of his pocket and
holds it at the ready.}

\repl{Edward \\ \paren{pulling out document}} Craig, come over here, I think
I've found---

\stagedir{\chara{Craig} holds the stapler to the back of
\chara{Edward}'s head.}

\repl{Edward} Craig? What is going on? What's that? A stapler?

\repl{Craig} Give me the sacred scroll of multics.

\repl{Edward} What? Have you gone mad?

\repl{Craig} I said, give it to me!

\repl{Edward} But, Craig, do you realize what we can do with this?

\repl{Craig} Oh, I realize. What you don't realize is that I am, in
fact, a SIPB member. Charged with protecting the Office, we have been
guarding these documents for centuries, ensuring that they do not fall
into the wrong hands. I'm afraid I can't let you leave with any of it.

\stagedir{\chara{Edward} spins around, and attempts to knock the
stapler out of \chara{Craig}'s hand, but he is too late. \chara{Craig}
fires, and \chara{Edward} falls to the ground. \chara{Craig} takes the
document from out of his hands, places the stapler neatly back on the
table, and begins to leave.}

\repl{Craig} Yes, you may use our stapler.

\stagedir{The End}
\end{document}
