\input setup
\def\scene#1{\medskip\centerline{\large\bf Scene #1.}}
\catcode`\@=13\def@#1.{\item{\bf #1. }}
\leftmargin=2in
\parindent=0pt
\parskip=6pt
{\center\obeylines
\largest A Massachusetts Nerd
\largest In King Achashverosh's Court
\large Purim Spiel
\large Andrew Marc Greene
for M.I.T. Hillel
Adar 5740
}
\bigskip

\scene{One}

//[The scene opens with **Esther Nerdstein** hunched over her 6.11
kit.]//

@Esther. Drat!  It still doesn't work!  //[Looks at her watch.]//  And
I've missed the megillah reading!

@Narrator. Submitted for your consideration --- Esther Nerdstein, a
junior in Course 6-1, tooling on her 6.111 project.  Esther is about
to enter a region beyond sight and sound.  Prepare to join her as we
venture into **The Havdalah Zone.**  //[Hums the Twilight Zone
motive.]//

@Esther. If only I could get this clock circuit to stabilize.  //[The
lights go out.  **Esther** yelps and when they come back on she's
clutching her hand.]//  Ow!  That was a nasty shock!  //[She gingerly
turns the kit off and unplugs it.]// That's the last time //I// debug
with power on!

@Narrator. Unbeknownst to Esther Nerdstein, the imbalance in her
time-base circuit coupled with the power surge, and she is now in
Shushan, 483 B.C.E.

//[Two **Shushanites** enter and mill around.  **Esther** regards them
curiously, as they regard her.  They examine her nerd kit.  One
reaches out to touch it.]//

@Esther. Don't touch that!

@Shushanite 1. Why not?  What is it?

@Esther. It's my 6.111 project.

@Shushanite 1. Your what?

@Esther. My six-one-elev-- wait a second.  Where am I?

@Shushanite 2. My dear child, you are in the main square of Shushan,
the capital city of the empire of King Achashverosh, who rules over
127 provinces!

@Esther. Oh.

@Shushanite 1. And where are you from, that you do not recognize
Shushan?

@Esther. Um... M.I.T....

@Shushanite 2. Never heard of it.  Oh, well, you'd better come along
with us.  We'll bring you to Mordechai; he'll find you a place to
stay.

//[Esther gathers up her 6.111 kit and exits with the Shushanite.]//

\scene{Two}

//[Enter **King Achashverosh**, followed by **Haman** and another
**Advisor**]// 

@King Achashverosh. And move 50,000 gold crowns into Elul pork
bellies.

@Haman. Yes, your majesty.

@King Achashverosh. One more thing.  Achashverosh is too hard to
pronounce.  I am hereby changing my name to something short that will
be on everyone's lips.

@Advisor. Your majesty?

@King Achashverosh. Send messengers to the Achashverosh Tower,
Achashverosh Plaza and Achashverosh Shuttle immediately.  Tell them to
change their name to Trump.  And send the Queen in.  I want to share
this with her.

@Advisor. Yes, your majesty.  //[Exits]//

@King Trump. The name Trump says ``Quality,'' you know.

@Haman. Yes, your majesty.

@King Trump. Besides, ``Donald Achashverosh'' sounds silly.

@Haman. Indeed, your majesty.  //[Queen Vashti enters.]//

@King Trump. My dear Queen Vashti, I have joyous news for you.

@Queen Vashti. Indeed, my lord?

@King Trump. We are changing our names.  Henceforth, I shall be known
as Trump, and you are to be called Queen Ivana.

@Queen Ivana. My lord, might I venture to point out that Vashti is a
traditional Persian name?  What kind of name is Ivana?  It sounds like
I should be running a hotel!  Why not Leona?

@King Trump.  //[angrily]// Ivana, forget it.  I'm filing for divorce!
Get out!  //[She flees; he storms out.]//

@Haman. \vtop{\hbox{The king is shrewd, but temper clouds his sight;}%
\hbox{His doom is nigh, in treason's angry night.  //[Exits]//}}

\scene{Three}

//[**Esther** and **Mordechai** enter.]//

@Mordechai. I see.  This is all very interesting, but you cannot
expect me to believe that the Jews of Shushan are in danger simply
becase you claim to be from the future.  You cannot even make your
machine work.

@Esther. Trust me, please, and let me pose as your cousin.  If I am
right, you will be prime minister within the year.  If I am wrong,
there is no danger.

@Mordechai. Your logic is sound.  Very well.  //[They exit.]//

\scene{Four}

//[**Trump** and **Haman** enter.]//

@Trump. Maybe I was too hard on the woman.  Haman, //advise// me.
What should I do?

@Haman. What about Marla?

@Trump. Liz Smith made that up.  I need a new wife.

@Haman. Fine.  We'll have a contest.  Each night we'll bring in
another virgin, and if you find one you like, you'll marry her.

@Trump. Haman!  That's sexist exploitation!

@Haman. So?  This is the fifth century B.C.E. and you're the king.
It's //expected// of you.

@Trump.  True.  And it's probably good publicity.  Haman, you're a
true friend.

//[They exit, **Haman** giving a meaningful look at the audience.]//

\scene{Five}

//[Enter **Mordechai** and **Esther**]//

@Mordechai. Esther, I hope you know what you're doing.

@Esther. Trust me!  Did I not say that Achashverosh would seek a new
bride by this very contest?  He will choose me and we will save the
Jews.

@Mordechai. But you did not forsee his name becoming Trump.

@Esther. True.  I suspect my presence here is bringing back other
aspects of 1990.

@Mordechai. But he may want to --- you know --- be, um, //intimate//!

@Esther. Big deal.  I'm an MIT student, remember?  I can handle
//anything.//

@Mordechai. I hope you're right.  //[They exit.]//

\scene{Sex}

@Narrator. Three months pass.  Esther's turn finally comes, and she
goes in to King Trump's bedchambers.

//[Trump is prone on bed.  Esther enters.]//

@Esther.  Your majesty.

@Trump.  I'm supposed to extend the golden scepter to greet you, but
I've had a rough day.  Consider it raised.

@Esther. Thank you, your majesty.  What can I do for your majesty?

@Trump. Stop calling me ``your majesty.''  Call me --- //[he pauses for
thought]// Call me ``your Trumptitude.''

@Esther.  Yes, your Trumptitude.

@Trump. Your accent is strange.  Where are you from?

@Esther. New Hyde Park.

@Trump. Your r\'esum\'e syas you go to M.I.T\null.  Are you in 6A?

@Esther. No, your Trumptit--- huh?

@Trump. Esther, I'm really Jay Keiser.  Your 6.111 project is pulling
back people from MIT --- it's wreaking havoc with history, and half of
the ODSA has disappeared.  You've got to set everything right again.

@Esther.  How?

@Trump. For now, I'll marry you.  That way youll have access to
whatever you need.  But we must set history right!

//[They exit.]//

\scene{Seven}

//[Two guards, **Bigtan** and **Teresh**, enter.  They glance around
furtively throughout the scene.  They are using their best imitation
of a gangster accent.]//

@Bigtan.  So, Teresh, the big H-man is finally making his move?

@Teresh.  Yeah.  We're supposed to ice Trump tonight.

//[They exit.]//

\scene{Eight}

//[Enter **Trump** and **Esther**]//

@Trump.  It's a good thing you had Bigtan and Teresh bugged.

@Esther.  So Haman is planning a coup.  I'm not surprised.

@Trump.  What do we do now?

@Esther.  I've got to talk to Mordechai.  You stay in your throne room
until I get back.

//[They exit, opposite sides.]//

\scene{Nine}

//[Enter **Mordechai** and **Esther**.]//

@Mordechai. That's all very interesting, Esther, but I've given it
some thought, and I can't give up my research for the prime minister's
job.

@Esther.  My god!  Philip Sharp, too?

@Mordechai.  I'm afraid so.

@Esther.  Then Haman is---  oh, no!  I've got to warn King Trump!

//[She runs off as fast as she can.  **Mordechai** exits as well.]//

\scene{Ten}

//[**Esther** runs on.]//

@Esther.  King Trump!  King Trump!

//[**Haman** walks in from the other side, holding the scepter.]//

@Haman.  Trump is dead.

@Esther.  Dead!  Oh, no!  Then I'm too late!

@Haman.  I'm afraid so, Esther.

@Esther. You've taken over everything, haven't you?

@Haman.  Of course.

@Esther.  And the Jews?

@Haman.  What do you think?

@Esther.  I think you're Alan Leo.

@Haman.  That's right!  Mandatory meal plans for everyone!
Hahahahahaha!

@Esther. //[Pleading]//  But you //know// we won't be able to use it
all!  //Please// give us an exemption!

@Haman. Never!  Never! Never!

//[**Vashti** enters.]//

@Haman. Ah, Vashti, my dear.  It has all gone according to our plan,
hasn't it?

@Vashti. Yes, Haman.  You are truly brilliant.

@Haman. Have you brought the child's 6.111 kit?

@Vashti.  Yes. 

//[The **Advisor** brings in the nerd kit.  Vashti turns it on.  The
lights go out.  They come back on with Esther alone, asleep on her lab
kit.]//

@Esther.  hmqdthl... wha?  Oh, no, I've missed megillah reading.
//[Stands]//  Maybe I can get there in time for the Purim Spiel.

//[**Esther** exits and the audience applauds.]//

\bigskip\centerline{\bf The End.}

\bye

