Trial by Jury [The following text of the libretto was entered by Andrew Marc Greene, amgreene@mit.edu. It originally contained TeX commands to make it print out on two sides of an 8.5x11 page; therefore some parts of the text are abridged (such as ``Ha! Ha! Ho! Ho! Ha! Ha! Ho! Ho!'' being reduced to ``Ha! Ho!''). Nothing is actually missing; just duplications are elided.] Chorus Hark, the hour of ten is sounding, Hearts with anxious fears are bounding. Hall of Justice, crowds surrounding, Breathing hope and fear. For today, in this arena, Summoned by a stern subpoena, Edwin, sued by Angelina, Shortly will appear. Usher Now, jurymen, hear my advice: All kinds of vulgar prejudice I pray you set aside With stern, judicial frame of mind--- From bias free of every kind This trial must be tried. Silence in court! Oh, listen to the plaintiff's case. Observe the features of her face, The broken-hearted bride. Condole with her distress of mind. From bias free of every kind This trial must be tried. Silence in court! And when, amid the plaintiff's shrieks, The ruffianly defendant speaks, Upon the other side, What he may say you needn't mind--- From bias free of every kind This trial must be tried. Silence in court! Defendant Is this the court of the Exchequer? Chorus It is! Defendant Be firm, be firm, my pecker--- Your evil star's in the ascendant! Chorus Who are you? Defendant I'm the defendant. Chorus Monster, dread their damages! They're the jury! Dread their fury! Defendant Hear me, hear me, if you please. These are very strange procedings. For, permit me to remark, On the merits of my pleadings You're at present in the dark! Chorus That's a very true remark, On the merits of his pleadings We're at present in the dark! Ha! Ho! Defendant When first my old, old love I knew, My bosom welled with joy. My riches at her feet I threw, I was a lovesick boy. No terms seemed too extravagant Upon her to employ. I used to mope, and sigh, and pant, Just like a lovesick boy! Tink-a-tank! But joy incessant palls the sense, And love, unchanged, will cloy. And she became a bore intense Unto her lovesick boy. With fitful glimmer burned my flame, And I grew cold and coy. At last, one morning, I became Another's lovesick boy! Tink-a-tank! Jurymen Oh, I was like that when a lad, A shocking young scamp of a rover. I behaved like a regular cad, But that sort of thing is all over. I am now a respectable chap, And shine with a virtue resplendant. And therefore, I haven't a rap Of sympathy with the defendant. He shall treat us with awe, If there isn't a flaw, Singing so merrily, Trial-La-Law! Usher Silence in Court! And all attention lend! Behold your judge--- In due submission bend! Chorus All hail, great judge, to your bright rays We never grudge ecstatic praise! All hail! May each decree as statute rank And never be reversed in banc! All hail! Judge For these kind words, accept my thanks, I pray. A breach of promise we've to try today. But firstly, if the time you'll not begrudge, I'll tell you how I came to be a judge. Chorus He'll tell us how he came to be a judge! Judge Let me speak! Chorus Let him speak! Hush, hush, he speaks! He'll tell us how he came to be a judge! Usher Silence in Court! Silence in Court! Judge When I, good friends, was called to the bar, I'd an appetite fresh and hearty. But I was, as many young barristers are, An impercunious party. I'd a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue, And a brief which I bought of a booby, A couple of shirts, and a collar or two, And a ring that looked like a ruby. At Westminister Hall I danced a dance Like a semi-despondent fury, For I thought I never should hit on a chance Of addressing a British Jury. But I soon got tired of third-class journeys, And dinners of bread and water, So I fell in love with a rich attorney's Elderly, ugly daughter. The rich attorney, he jumped with joy, And replied to my fond professions, ``You shall reap the reward of your pluck, my boy, At the Bailey and Middlesex sessions. You'll soon get used to her looks,'' said he, ``And a very nice girl you will find her--- She may very well pass for forty-three, (In the dusk, with a light behind her.)'' The rich attorney was good as his word, The briefs came trooping gaily, And every day my voice was heard At the sessions of ancient Bailey. All theives who could my fees afford Relied on my orations. (And many a burglar I've restored To his friends and his relations.) At length I became as rich as the Gurneys, An incubus then I thought her. So I threw over that rich attorney's Elderly, ugly daughter. The rich attorney my character high Tried vainly to disparage--- And now, if you please, I'm ready to try This breach of promise of marriage. Judge For now I'm a judge! Chorus And a good judge, too! Judge Though all my law be fudge, Yet I'll never, never budge, But I'll live and die a judge! It was managed by a job. Chorus And a good job, too! Judge It is patent to the mob That my being made a nob Was effected by a job. Counsel Swear thou the jury! Usher Kneel, jurymen, oh, kneel! Oh will you swear by yonder skies, Whatever question may arise, 'Twixt rich and poor, 'Twixt low and high, That you will well and truly try? Jurymen To all of this we make reply, By the dull slate of yonder sky, That we will well and truly try. We'll try. Judge, Usher, Defendant, and Counsel They will well and truly try. Counsel Where is the plaintiff? Let her now be brought! Usher Oh, Angelina, come thou into court! Angelina! Angelina! Bridesmaids Comes the broken flower, Comes the cheated maid. Though the tempest lower, Rain and cloud will fade. Take, oh maid, these posies Though thy beauty rare Shame the blushings roses, They are passing fair. Wear the flowers 'til they fade, Happy be thy life, oh maid! Plaintiff O'er the season vernal Time may cast a shade. Sunshine, if eternal, Make the roses fade. Time will do his duty, Let the thief alone. Winter hath a beauty That is all his own. Fairest days are sun and shade, I am no unhappy maid. Judge Oh, never, never, never, Since I joined the human race, Saw I so excellently fair a face. Jurymen Ah, sly dog! Ah, sly dog! Judge How say you? Is she not designed for capture? Foreman We've but one word, m'lud, And that is ``Rapture!'' Plaintiff Your kindness, gentlemen, quite overpowers! Jurymen We love you fondly, And would make you ours! Bridesmaids Ah, sly dogs! Ah, sly dogs! Jurymen We love you fondly, And would make you ours! Monster! Monster! Dead our fury! There's the judge, and we're the jury! Come, substantial damages! Usher Silence in Court! Counsel May it please you, m'lud, Gentlemen of the jury--- With a sense of deep emotion I approach this painful case. For I never had a notion That a man could be so base, Or deceive a girl confiding, Vows, et cetera deriding. See my interesting client, Victim of a heartless wile. See the traitor, all defiant, Wear a supercillious smile. Sweetly smiled my client on him, Coyly wood and gently won him. Swiftly fled each honeyed hour Spent with this unmanly male, Sommerville became a bow'r, Alston an Arcadian vale--- Breathing concentrated otto, An existance a la Watteau. Picture then my client naming, And insisting on the day; Picture him excuses framing, Going from her far away. Doubly criminal to do so, For the maid had bought her trousseau. Cheer up, my pretty, oh, cheer up! Jurymen Cheer up, we love you! Plaintiff Ah, me! Judge That she is reeling is plain to see! Foreman If faint you're feeling, recline on me! Plaintiff I shall recover if left alone. Chorus Oh perjured lover, atone! Atone! Foreman Just like a father I wish to be. Judge Or if you'd rather, recline on me. Counsel Oh, fetch some water from far Cologne! Chorus For this sad slaughter, atone! Atone! Monster! Dread our fury! There's the judge, and we're the jury! Defendant Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray, Though I own that my heart has been ranging, Of nature the laws I obey, For nature is constantly changing. The moon in her phases is found, The time, and the wind, and the weather. The months in succession come round, And you don't find two Mondays together. Consider the moral, I pray, Nor bring a young fellow to sorrow, Who loves this young lady today, And loves that young lady tomorrow. One cannot eat breakfast all day, Nor is it the act of a sinner, When breakfast is taken away, To turn his attention to dinner. And it's not in the range of belief To look upon him as a glutton, Who, when he is tired of beef, Determines to tackle the mutton. But this I am willing to say, If it will appease her sorrow, I'll marry this lady today, And I'll marry the other tomorrow. Judge That seems a reasonable proposition, To which, I think, your client may agree. Counsel But I submit, m'lud, with all submission, To marry two at once is burglaree! In the reign of James the Second, It was generally reckoned As a rather serious crime To marry two wives at a time. Chorus Oh, man of learning! Judge A nice dilemma we have here, That calls for all our wit. Counsel And at this stage it don't appear That we can settle it. Defendant If I to wed the girl am loth, A breach 'twill surely be. Plaintiff And if he goes and marries both, It counts as burglaree! All A nice dilemma we have here, That calls for all our wit. Plaintiff I love him with fervour unceasing, I worship and madly adore! My blind adoration is ever increasing, My loss I shall ever deplore. Oh, see what a blessing, What love and caressing I've lost, and remember it, pray, When you I'm addressing Are busy assessing The damages Edwin must pay--- Yes, he must pay! Defendant I smoke like a furnace, I'm always in liquor, A ruffian, a bully, a sot. I'm sure I should thrash her, Perhaps I should kick her, I am such a very bad lot. I'm not preposessing, As you may be guessing, She couldn't endure me a day! Recall my professing When you are assessing The damages Edwin must pay. Plaintiff Yes, he must pay! Jurymen We would be fairly acting, But this is most distracting. If, when in liquor he would kick her, That is an abatement. Judge The question, gentlemen, is one of liquor. You ask for guidance, this is my reply: He says, when tipsy, He would thrash and kick her. Let's make him tipsy, gentlemen, and try! Plaintiff and Counsel With all respect, I do object! Defendant I don't object! Judge All the legal furies sieze you! No proposal seems to please you! I can't sit up here all day; I must shortly get away! Barristers, and you, attorneys, Set out on your homeward journeys! Gentle, simple-minded usher, Get you, if you like, to Russher! Put your briefs upon the shelf--- I will marry her myself! Plaintiff Oh, joy unbounded, With wealth surrounded, The knell is sounded of grief and woe! Counsel With love devoted, on you he's doated, To castle moated away they'll go. Defendant I wonder whether they'll live together, In marriage tether, in manner true! Usher It seems to me, sir, of such as she, sir, A judge is he, sir, and a good judge, too! Judge Yes, I am a judge! Chorus And a good judge, too! Judge Though homeward as you trudge, You declare my law is fudge, Yet of beauty I'm a judge! Though defendant is a snob Chorus (And a great snob, too!) Defendant No, no, no! All Though defendant is a snob, He'll reward him from his fob. So we've settled with the job--- And a good job too! Fine.