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\pg\pl{Counsel}
But I submit, m'lud, with all submission,
To marry two at once is burglaree!
In the reign of James the Second,
It was generally reckoned
As a rather serious crime
To marry two wives at a time.
\pl{Chorus}
Oh, man of learning!
\pl{Judge}
A nice dilemma we have here,
That calls for all our wit.
\pl{Counsel}
And at this stage it don't appear
That we can settle it.
\pl{Defendant}
If I to wed the girl am loth,
A breach 'twill surely be.
\pl{Plaintiff}
And if he goes and marries both,
It counts as burglaree!
\pl{All}
A nice dilemma we have here,
That calls for all our wit.
\pl{Plaintiff}
I love him with fervour unceasing,
I worship and madly adore!
My blind adoration is ever increasing,
My loss I shall ever deplore.
Oh, see what a blessing,
What love and caressing
I've lost, and remember it, pray,
When you I'm addressing 
Are busy assessing
The damages Edwin must pay---
Yes, he must pay!
\pl{Defendant}
I smoke like a furnace, 
I'm always in liquor,
A ruffian, a bully, a sot.
I'm sure I should thrash her,
Perhaps I should kick her,
I am such a very bad lot.
I'm not preposessing, 
As you may be guessing,
She couldn't endure me a day!
Recall my professing 
When you are assessing
The damages Edwin must pay.
\pl{Plaintiff}
Yes, he must pay!
\pl{Jurymen}
We would be fairly acting,
But this is most distracting.
\epg\pg If, when in liquor he would kick her,
That is an abatement.
\pl{Judge}
The question, gentlemen, is one of liquor.
You ask for guidance, this is my reply:
He says, when tipsy, 
He would thrash and kick her.
Let's make him tipsy, gentlemen, \rlap{and try!}
\pl{Plaintiff and Counsel}
With all respect, I do object!
\pl{Defendant}
I don't object!
\pl{Judge}
All the legal furies sieze you!
No proposal seems to please you!
I can't sit up here all day;
I must shortly get away!
Barristers, and you, attorneys,
Set out on your homeward journeys!
Gentle, simple-minded usher,
Get you, if you like, to Rus{\it sher}!
Put your briefs upon the shelf---
I will marry her myself!
\pl{Plaintiff}
Oh, joy unbounded, 
With wealth surrounded,
The knell is sounded of grief and woe!
\pl{Counsel}
With love devoted, on you he's doated,
To castle moated away they'll go.
\pl{Defendant}
I wonder whether they'll live together,
In marriage tether, in manner true!
\pl{Usher}
It seems to me, sir, of such as she, sir,
A judge is he, sir, and a good judge, too!
\pl{Judge}
Yes, I am a judge!
\pl{Chorus}
And a good judge, too!
\pl{Judge}
Though homeward as you trudge,
You declare my law is fudge,
Yet of beauty I'm a judge!
Though defendant is a snob
\pl{Chorus}
(And a great snob, too!)
\pl{Defendant}
No, no, no!
\pl{All}
Though defendant is a snob,
He'll reward him from his fob.
So we've settled with the job---
And a good job too!
\medskip
\hfill{\it Fine.}
\epg
\pg\centerline{\Large Trial by Jury}
\bigskip
\pl{Chorus}
Hark, the hour of ten is sounding,
Hearts with anxious fears are bounding.
Hall of Justice, crowds surrounding,
Breathing hope and fear.
For today, in this arena,
Summoned by a stern subp{\oe}na,
Edwin, sued by Angelina, 
Shortly will appear.
\pl{Usher}
Now, jurymen, hear my advice:
All kinds of vulgar prejudice
I pray you set aside
With stern, judicial frame of mind---
From bias free of every kind
This trial must be tried. Silence in court!
Oh, listen to the plaintiff's case.
Observe the features of her face,
The broken-hearted bride.
Condole with her distress of mind.
From bias free of every kind
This trial must be tried. Silence in court!
And when, amid the plaintiff's shrieks,
The ruffianly defendant speaks,
Upon the other side,
What he may say you needn't mind---
From bias free of every kind
This trial must be tried. Silence in court!
\pl{Defendant}
Is this the court of the Exchequer?
\pl{Chorus}
It is!
\pl{Defendant}
Be firm, be firm, my pecker---
Your evil star's in the ascendant!
\pl{Chorus}
Who are you?
\pl{Defendant}
I'm the defendant.
\pl{Chorus}
Monster, dread their damages!
They're the jury! Dread their fury!
\pl{Defendant}
Hear me, hear me, if you please.
These are very strange procedings.
For, permit me to remark,
On the merits of my pleadings
You're at present in the dark!
\pl{Chorus}
That's a very true remark,
On the merits of his pleadings
We're at present in the dark! Ha! Ho!
\epg\pg \pl{Defendant}
When first my old, old love I knew,
My bosom welled with joy.
My riches at her feet I threw,
I was a lovesick boy.
No terms seemed too extravagant
Upon her to employ.
I used to mope, and sigh, and pant,
Just like a lovesick boy! Tink-a-tank!
But joy incessant palls the sense,
And love, unchanged, will cloy.
And she became a bore intense
Unto her lovesick boy.
With fitful glimmer burned my flame,
And I grew cold and coy.
At last, one morning, I became
Another's lovesick boy! Tink-a-tank!
\pl{Jurymen}
Oh, I was like that when a lad,
A shocking young scamp of a rover.
I behaved like a regular cad,
But that sort of thing is all over.
I am now a respectable chap,
And shine with a virtue resplendant.
And therefore, I haven't a rap
Of sympathy with the defendant.
He shall treat us with awe,
If there isn't a flaw,
Singing so merrily, Trial-La-Law!
\pl{Usher}
Silence in Court! And all attention lend!
Behold your judge--- 
In due submission bend!
\pl{Chorus}
All hail, great judge, to your bright rays
We never grudge ecstatic praise! All hail!
May each decree as statute rank
And never be reversed in banc! All hail!
\pl{Judge}
For these kind words, accept my thanks, 
\qquad I pray.
A breach of promise we've to try today.
But firstly, if the time you'll not
\qquad begrudge,
I'll tell you how I came to be a judge.
\pl{Chorus}
He'll tell us how he came to be a judge!
\pl{Judge}
Let me speak!
\pl{Chorus}
Let him speak!  Hush, hush, he speaks!
He'll tell us how he came to be a judge!
\epg\pg\pl{Usher}
Silence in Court!  Silence in Court!
\pl{Judge}
When I, good friends, was called to the 
\qquad bar,
I'd an appetite fresh and hearty.
But I was, as many young barristers are,
An impercunious party.
I'd a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue,
And a brief which I bought of a booby,
A couple of shirts, and a collar or two,
And a ring that looked like a ruby.
At Westminister Hall I danced a dance
Like a semi-despondent fury,
For I thought I never should hit on a
\qquad chance
Of addressing a British Jury.
But I soon got tired of third-class 
\qquad journeys,
And dinners of bread and water,
So I fell in love with a rich attorney's
Elderly, ugly daughter.
The rich attorney, he jumped with joy,
And replied to my fond professions,
``You shall reap the reward of your pluck,
\qquad my boy,
At the Bailey and Middlesex sessions.
You'll soon get used to her looks,'' 
\qquad said he,
``And a very nice girl you will find her---
She may very well pass for forty-three,
(In the dusk, with a light behind her.)''
The rich attorney was good as his word,
The briefs came trooping gaily,
And every day my voice was heard
At the sessions of ancient Bailey.
All theives who could my fees afford
Relied on my orations.
(And many a burglar I've restored
To his friends and his relations.)
At length I became as rich as 
\qquad the Gurneys,
An incubus then I thought her.
So I threw over that rich attorney's
Elderly, ugly daughter.
The rich attorney my character high
Tried vainly to disparage---
And now, if you please, I'm ready to try
This breach of promise of marriage.
\pl{Judge}
For now I'm a judge!
\pl{Chorus}
And a good judge, too!
\epg\pg\pl{Judge}
Though all my law be fudge,
Yet I'll never, never budge,
But I'll live and die a judge!
It was managed by a job.
\pl{Chorus}
And a good job, too!
\pl{Judge}
It is patent to the mob
That my being made a nob
Was effected by a job.
\pl{Counsel}
Swear thou the jury!
\pl{Usher}
Kneel, jurymen, oh, kneel!
Oh will you swear by yonder skies,
Whatever question may arise,
'Twixt rich and poor, 
'Twixt low and high,
That you will well and truly try?
\pl{Jurymen}
To all of this we make reply,
By the dull slate of yonder sky,
That we will well and truly try.
We'll try.
\pl{Judge, Usher,}
\pl{Defendant, and Counsel}
They will well and truly try.
\pl{Counsel}
Where is the plaintiff?  
Let her now be brought!
\pl{Usher}
Oh, Angelina, come thou into court!
Angelina!  Angelina!
\pl{Bridesmaids}
Comes the broken flower,
Comes the cheated maid.
Though the tempest lower,
Rain and cloud will fade.
Take, oh maid, these posies
Though thy beauty rare
Shame the blushings roses,
They are passing fair.
Wear the flowers 'til they fade,
Happy be thy life, oh maid!
\pl{Plaintiff}
O'er the season vernal
Time may cast a shade.
Sunshine, if eternal,
Make the roses fade.
Time will do his duty,
Let the thief alone.
Winter hath a beauty
That is all his own.
Fairest days are sun and shade,
\epg\pg I am no unhappy maid.
\pl{Judge}
Oh, never, never, never,
Since I joined the human race,
Saw I so excellently fair a face.
\pl{Jurymen}
Ah, sly dog!  Ah, sly dog!
\pl{Judge}
How say you?  
Is she not designed for capture?
\pl{Foreman}
We've but one word, m'lud,
And that is ``Rapture!''
\pl{Plaintiff}
Your kindness, gentlemen, quite
\qquad overpowers!
\pl{Jurymen}
We love you fondly, 
And would make you ours!
\pl{Bridesmaids}
Ah, sly dogs!  Ah, sly dogs!
\pl{Jurymen}
We love you fondly, 
And would make you ours!
Monster! Monster! Dead our fury!
There's the judge, and we're the jury!
Come, substantial damages!
\pl{Usher}
Silence in Court!
\pl{Counsel}
May it please you, m'lud,
Gentlemen of the jury---
With a sense of deep emotion
I approach this painful case.
For I never had a notion
That a man could be so base,
Or deceive a girl confiding,
Vows, {\it et cetera} deriding.
See my interesting client,
Victim of a heartless wile.
See the traitor, all defiant,
Wear a supercillious smile.
Sweetly smiled my client on him,
Coyly wood and gently won him.
Swiftly fled each honeyed hour
Spent with this unmanly male,
Sommerville became a bow'r,
Alston an Arcadian vale---
Breathing concentrated otto,
An existance {\it a la} Watteau.
Picture then my client naming,
And insisting on the day;
Picture him excuses framing,
Going from her far away.
Doubly criminal to do so,
\epg\pg For the maid had bought her {\it trousseau}.
Cheer up, my pretty, oh, cheer up!
\pl{Jurymen}
Cheer up, we love you!
\pl{Plaintiff}
Ah, me!
\pl{Judge}
That she is reeling is plain to see!
\pl{Foreman}
If faint you're feeling, recline on me!
\pl{Plaintiff}
I shall recover if left alone.
\pl{Chorus}
Oh perjured lover, atone! Atone!
\pl{Foreman}
Just like a father I wish to be.
\pl{Judge}
Or if you'd rather, recline on me.
\pl{Counsel}
Oh, fetch some water from far Cologne!
\pl{Chorus}
For this sad slaughter, atone! Atone!
Monster!  Dread our fury!
There's the judge, and we're the jury!
\pl{Defendant}
Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray,
Though I own that my heart has been
\qquad  ranging,
Of nature the laws I obey,
For nature is constantly changing.
The moon in her phases is found,
The time, and the wind, and the
\qquad weather.
The months in succession come round,
And you don't find two Mondays 
\qquad together.
Consider the moral, I pray,
Nor bring a young fellow to sorrow,
Who loves this young lady today,
And loves that young lady tomorrow.
One cannot eat breakfast all day,
Nor is it the act of a sinner,
When breakfast is taken away,
To turn his attention to dinner.
And it's not in the range of belief
To look upon him as a glutton,
Who, when he is tired of beef,
Determines to tackle the mutton.
But this I am willing to say,
If it will appease her sorrow,
I'll marry this lady today,
And I'll marry the other tomorrow.
\pl{Judge}
That seems a reasonable proposition,
To which, I think, your client may agree.\epg\bye