\title{The Horror}{by David Friedman}
\begindoublecolumns


     It all began on a cold winters night at MIT. It was 3:54 AM and 
I had this ugly paper due at 10. So I'm at athena working on the paper 
when I decide that I should save it. I haven't saved for 3 pages so I 
figure that that's a good idea. I grab the mouse, bring up up to 
the File button on my EZ window and then...

Nothing.

The screen freezes. The mouse won't move. Ahhhhhhh!

    As soon as the initial panic wears off, I decide to ask for help. Checking 
my .anyone file, I realize that none of my friends are around. So I look 
around the cluster. Judging by his appearance, the only other person 
in the cluster is either a homeless guy or a grad student.

``Excuse me''

     No response. He keeps typing away. Sneaking a peek at his screen 
I see diagrams, graphs, everything. But no response.

``Excuse me''

    He turns to look at me with fright in his eyes. The poor guy hadn't 
looked at another human being in ages. I felt sorry for him, but I had 
my own problems to deal with. I decided that I had better 
tackle this one on my own.

I log in to an adjacent computer and look up olc. ``How to get a 
snail in your background'', ``Advanced Xbombs'', ``Are you really sure 
I can't eat in the cluster?'' The list goes on and on, but nothing 
there can help me. 

I had only one more option. It wouldn't be pretty but I would have to 
do it. I picked up the phone, and ever so carefully dialed those five 
numbers; those five number which by themselves mean nothing, but combined... I shudder to think.

3-7-7-8-8

``Hello. SIPB!'' came the shrill voice. 

There is no turning back.

``Yes. Ah hi. Can I ask you a question?''

``You just did.''

     Oh no! The oldest SIPB witism in the book. And I fell for it. And to 
make matters worse, the whole SIPB collective was laughing at me. 
I could just hear it over the phone line: 
``You just did- Ha Ha. That's a good one''
``Yeah. That one belongs in /sipb/humor/you-just-did''

Finally, the laughter died down.

``Can I ask you two questions?''

Score one for me. We were now even.

``My screen froze''

``Hey guys! His screen froze!''

Uh-oh.

\quarterpage

``Check /sipb/weather/temperature. It's 15.7 degrees farenheit outside.
I'm not surprised.''

Damn them. 2-1 theirs. But I sensed they were done toying with me 
and ready to answer my question. I hoped.

``I can't move my mouse.''

``What kind of computer are you on?''

``Uh. A sun''

``What kind of sun?''

``Sparc 5''

``What kind of sparc 5?''

The duel was getting tense.

``uhh. color?''

``ok..''

2 all.

``.. what cluster are you in?''

``building 37''

``37 what?''

``37-332''

``What machine?''

``37-332-5''

``Incorrect. The correct answer is 37-332-5.mit.edu''

Very sly, SIPB. Very sly. 3-2 yours. 

``What were you running at the time?''

``Hmm. Let's see. Netscape, EZ..''

``Hey guys!!!''

Damn.

``Hey guys! This guy was using EZ!!''

Here they go again.

``I used EZ once! in 1912!''

``EZ may as well be ARA food with all the bugs in it!''

``Hey guys! We should start a newsgroup alt.ez.users.losers.''

     I had to say something. I couldn't just sit there and listen to 
this. (Actually, I was standing. Athena chair shortage and all.)

``What do you expect me to use?''

Oh-Oh. Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

``Umm. Did you ever hear of latex?''

``Yeah I guess. How do you use that?''

``RTFM!''

Click.

That was helpful. 

   Fortunately for me, a course 6 friend of mine just happened to log in 
and told me to look in /tmp to find my file so all was not lost. All 
in all, I'd say it was a learning experience. I dare not think what 
would have happened had I not only called SIPB, but actually walked 
in to the SIPB office. I have done that too, but that's a tale for 
a different time.

\enddoublecolumns

%From: davidfr@MIT.EDU
%Message-Id: <9603182144.AA08137@m1-142-22.MIT.EDU>
%Date: Mon, 18 Mar 1996 16:44:36 EST

 
