From C-feature@clarinet.com Sun May 28 15:38:36 1995 Path: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu!bloom-beacon.mit.edu!newspump.wustl.edu!looking!clarinews From: C-feature@clarinet.com (Judith Martin) Newsgroups: clari.feature.miss_manners Approved: editor@clarinet.com Subject: Young cybercitizens discover netiquette Expires: Sat, 17 Jun 95 17:08:05 EDT Message-ID: Date: Sat, 27 May 95 17:08:05 EDT Lines: 125 The very first time Miss Manners mistook "erase" for "save" (whoops!) and had to accost the nearest small child to plead for help, she sensed doom. (She looked it, too.) The child was polite and accommodating, and used soothing words as well as rapid-fire key-tapping to haul both her and her work out of the abyss. But the natural order of the universe was obviously gone. Adults are supposed to know more than children. Suppose that superiority to their elders at computers and other household technology should make children think that they also possessed greater wisdom in such traditional areas as moral values, driver education, or... etiquette. What then would happen to the transmission of civilization, as prefaced by "When I was young," "Well, in my day," and "Because it just so happens I've been around a while longer than you"? It is now some years since that nearly fatal keyboard misstep. While Miss Manners is no less in need of juvenile computer counseling, that early generation of young know-it-alls (she uses the term respectfully) has come of age. To her amazement, it turns out that they do know more about etiquette than their parents' generation. Oh, not more than Miss Manners, of course. They're only human. Many are lacking fine points, such as getting food directly into their mouths, which their parents neglected to teach them and now resent their not knowing. But in contrast to people who are now of middle age, they recognize the legitimacy of etiquette as an essential factor in community life. This is a huge step. The old folks had thrown etiquette into crisis in the 1960s and '70s, not by making changes in the rules -- which is the normal progression no matter how much it might upset previous generations -- but by declaring etiquette obsolete. They simply refused to recognize what everyone else has known since the beginning of civilization -- that there must be a clear, common code of everyday behavior that everyone in a given community recognizes and practices, so that daily life is more or less intelligible and peaceful. Today's young adults, from whom this information was kept, re-discovered the value of etiquette when they started forming a new type of community -- on the Internet. Cyberspace communities fascinate Miss Manners, because they lack what used to be considered the basic features that defined community. Social relationships are now established by people who have never met and probably never will meet. The vocabulary of nonverbal signals we ordinarily use and interpret -- facial expressions, appearance, tone -- are absent. Common backgrounds cannot be assumed, not even to the extent of agreeing on what constitutes basically acceptable behavior. Nobody has a reputation at stake, because real names are not required. As there are no introductions by third parties, what is known about one's cyberspace companions is only whatever they choose to tell. Inventing fictional histories is not only easily possible, but may be one of the attractions. Anonymity, which has always brought out the worst in people, was never so thoroughly possible. The result is freedom, as in no other community. So why should anyone worry about etiquette? Their elders (who have been safely parked elsewhere, with instructions not to try to operate their VCRs themselves -- you remember what happened last time, Dad) would tell them not to worry about silly rules, but just to be themselves, or, at most, to exhibit some nonspecific civility. But the computer literate do worry, because they quickly discovered that communities need more than generalized good will; they need specific rules. So they have been calling for etiquette, by name. Or at least by the clever name of netiquette, which is close enough for Miss Manners. Anyone who wants to participate in a particular community or activity has to learn its standard of appropriateness and taste. Ideas of what is fitting cannot be assumed. As there are a huge variety of different communities available on the Internet, local etiquette is required for each one. How much preparation is one expected to do beforehand, so that others are not bothered with being asked to repeat themselves? How much is it polite to contribute to the conversation before one makes oneself a bore? When is it all right to change the subject and by how much should any digression deviate from the announced topic? When can or should two people go off to continue their conversation in private? Is shouting (which is to say, writing upper case) permitted? Is angling for professional advancement (inserting any form of advertising) tolerated? How can salacious exchanges be contained so that they do not offend nonparticipants? What protection is there against offensive advances? Where is the line between joking and vulgarity? Between friendliness and prying? Between teasing and flaming? These problems are far from solved, but at least the acknowledgment that only strict rules of etiquette will prevent individuals from spoiling these activities for the rest of the community, has been made. When violations occur, there has been little hesitation to issue warnings; repeated violations result in the ultimate social weapon of ostracism. Nowadays, it is only the fuddy-duddies who fail to understand the relevance of etiquette to truly modern society. DEAR MISS MANNERS -- At an extremely extravagant wedding I attended, there was a printed card at every place setting at the dinner table stating, "Thank you very much for sharing this special day with us, and thank you for your gift." Am I behind the times (I am 27, and have been to many weddings but never came across this)? I thought a thank-you note was to be very personal, handwritten and was to state the gift received. GENTLE READER -- Personal? Do you think of the relationship between bridal couple and their guests as personal, rather than commercial? Evidently these people think otherwise. They have provided an all-purpose, standardized receipt, which is not going to thrill those who had hoped to hear that whatever they had selected actually touched and pleased the couple. But Miss Manners can imagine that their method would be of advantage to those who had not selected a present, and who can now forget about doing so, although honor would then require them to leave the card on the table. Feeling incorrect? Address your etiquette questions (in black or blue-black ink on white writing paper) to Miss Manners, in care of this newspaper. The quill shortage prevents Miss Manners >from answering questions except through this column. Copyright 1995 by Judith Martin Distributed by United Feature Syndicate, Inc.