**************************************************************************** * THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO COWS -- AS YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE! * * * * Compiled (NOT drawn) by: ewtileni@pucc.Princeton.EDU (Eric W. Tilenius) * * * * LAST UPDATE: FEB. 29, 1988 -- SEND ANY CONTRIBUTIONS ABOVE ADDRESS. * **************************************************************************** (__) (__) (__) (__) (oo) (oo) (oo) (oo) /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ / | || / | || / | || / | || * ||----|| * ||W---|| * ||w---|| * ||V---|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Cow Cow laden Same cow Betty Ford-type with milk after milking cow with milk (___) (___) * (___) (___) (o o) (o o) \ (o o) (o o) /-------\ / /-------\ / \-------\ / /-------\ / / | ||O / | ||O | ||O / | ~#>-+|O * ||,---|| * ||@\--|| ||,---|| * ||,----| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~ Bull Same bull after Rotc bull after Red-blooded American Bull seeing above cow seeing other bull shooting the Rotc bull (__) (__) (__) (__) (oo) (oo) (oo) (oo) /-------\/-* /-------\/ /-------\/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ / | || \ )*)(\/* / * / | || * ||----|| * \ |||/)|/()( ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ \/|(/)(/\/(,,/ \)|(/\/|)(/\ Cow munching Grass munching Cow in water Cow in trouble on grass on cow (__) (__) * (__) * (__) (oo) (oo) \ (oo) | (oo) /--------\/ /-oooooo-\/ \-------\/ \-------\/ * o| || * ooooooooo o o| || / || ||----|| ooooooooooooo ||----||>==/-----|| ooo~~ ~~ ooooooooooooooooo ~~ ~~ ~~ Cow taking Cow in deep Cow getting the shit shit shit kicked out of her (__) (oo) U /-------\/ /---V / | || * |--| . * ||----|| ~~ ~~ Cow at 1 meter. Cow at 100 meters. Cow at 10,000 meters. (__) )__( vv vv (oo) (oo) ||----|| * /-------\/ *-------\/ || | / / | || / | || /\-------/ * ||----|| / ||----|| (oo) ~~ ~~ vv vv (~~) American Cow Polish Cow Australian Cow (__) (__) (__) (oo) ____ (oo) _---_(oo) /-------\/ /- --\/ /- -\/ / | || / | || /| || * ||----|| * ||___-|| * ||___-|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Freshman Cow Freshman Cow Freshman Cow Arriving at Rit After the "Freshman 15" After the "Freshman 20" (__) (__) (__) (OO) (@@) (xx) /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ / | || / | || / | || * ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Cow who drank Jolt Cow who ate Cow who used Jolt to wash psychadelic mushrooms down psychadelic mushrooms ________________________ (__) / \ (oo) ( Meet our great leader! ) /-------\/ --'\________________________/ / | || * ||----|| ~~ ~~ # # ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ### ### M M OOOO OOOO ### ###### ### MM MM O O O O ####### ####### M M M M O O O O # # M M M O O O O # ### ### # M M O O O O # # # # # # M M OOOO OOOO # # ### # ### # \\ # ### ### # \\ # # \\________ # ######## # \-------- # # ## ## # # # # # # ######### # # #### # # ###### ###### #### ########################### ### ## ## ## # # # ## # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### # # # # ##### # # ### # # # # # # # ##################### ######### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ##### ### #### #### ###### ### ###### ###### /\ __ / \ || (__) (__) \ / (_||_) SooS (oo) \/ (oo) /------S\/S /-------\/ /S /-------\/ / | || / | || / S / | || * ||----|| * ||----||___/ S * ||----|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ This cow belonged Ben Franklin owned Abe Lincoln's to George Washington this cow cow (__) * (__) (oo) \ (oo) /------\/ \-------\/ /| |/ | | ==$ || / | [) || ||----|| * ||----|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Old "One Arm" belonged This cow was given to to Ceasar's Palace Hugh Hefner for his Birthday (___) (__) (__) ( O ) (oo) (oo) /-------\ / \/--------\/ / | ||V | | * ||----|| ||------|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ The cyclops that Jason and This cow lived with the Argonauts met had this cow Dr. Doolittle (__) (__) [##] (@o) /-------\/ /-------\/ /------- (__) / | || / | || / | || (oo) * ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|---\/ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~ This cow belonged This cow lived with This cow belonged to to Flash Gordon the Little Rascals the Headless Horseman The following three cows were supposed to be appearing with the Celebrity Cows pictured above... However, I found out that they were sitting around a bar getting drunk discussing what exactly is art. The cows' conclusion: Art is a bunch of Bull(s). Sorry, but I couldn't resist, Hawk, Sesquipedalianite and Head of Heffer Control. (____) (____) (____) (oo ) (o o) ( O O) /-----------\ / /-----\ /---- /-----------\ / / || | \/ / | | \/ | / || | \/ / || |||| \ | | | | | / || |||| * ||||-----|||| *| | |-----| | | * ||||-----|||| /\/\ /\/\ /\ /\ /\ /\ ~~~~ ~~~~ This cow belonged This was Salvatore No one was sure whether to Pablo Picasso Dali's favorite cow M.C. Escher's cow had four legs or eight Seeing as how it is Spring Break Season, I thought I would share with you some Vacation Ideas for any of you Cows out there on the Net who don't know where to go for some fun. - Steve "Hawk" Schultz Head of Heifer Control Well, first of all, there are theme parks and historic sites: O__O \_|_/ (oo) (oo) /-------\/ /-------\/ / | || / | || * ||----|| * ||----|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Cow at Disneyland Cow visiting the Statue of Liberty There's the fun and warmth of the southwest: (__) ~~ (oo) ~~~~ /-------\/ ~~~~~ / | || ~~~~~ * ||----|| ~~~~~~~~ ====~~====~~==== ~~~~~~~~~~~~/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cow Hanging Ten at Malibu And on the other coast, while the water might be a little chilly up north, it is still exciting: )\ (__) / \ (oo) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cow swimming at Amityville (Where Jaws was filmed, for those less educated) For those who believe in Winter Wonderland's, the Rockies present excitement galore: * \ \ |\ \ | \ (__) \\|| \(oo) \||\ \\/ ~~ \|| \\ || \\|| \|| ~~ \\_ \_ Cow skiing a Black Diamond at Aspen And of course, the traditional Spring Break spot, where you can go for expensive beer and cheap sex: (__) (--) /-\/-\ /| |\ ~ | | ~ (__) | | (DD) /----\ /-------\/ / \ \ / | ||_\_/ ~ * ~ * ||----| Cow sunning at Fort Lauderdale ~~ ~ (What a bod, huh guys?) Cow chugging brews and staring at sunbathers at Fort Lauderdale Or, for those who have trouble picking up members of the opposite sex: O O O O \ \ / / \ \ (__) / (__) \ \ (xx)/ (DD) \ +--------+\// /-------\/ \| | / / | || +--------+ * ||----|| ~~ ~~ Cow fantasizing about "Riding the Mechanical Bull" at Gillies in Texas Disclaimer: If these have offended anyone, I apologize, not whole-heartedly, but I do apologize. I mean, what do you expect from a bunch of cows??? \ (__) \\(oo) /-----\\\/ / | (##) * ||----||" ~~ ~~ This cow plays bagpipes. From: eric@snark.UUCP (Eric S. Raymond) (__) (__) (__) (\/) ($$) (**) /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ / | 666 || / |=====|| / | || * ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Satanic cow This cow is a Yuppie Cow in love From: thomas@leah.Albany.Edu (Thomas Barry) (__) (__) (oo) (oo) /-'''''-\/ /-------------------\/ / |'''''|| / | || * ||''''|| * ||----------------|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Stretch Cow Cow in Argyle * ** ** * ** * * * ** * / / \ * * \ \ / \ / / * / / \ \ (__) \ \ / (00) / / \ /-------\/ \ \ / / | || / / \ \ * ||----|| \ \ / / ~~ ~~ / / Cow in Heat (__) /--------(00) / | |( ) * ||---- ||() || || ~~ ~~ Cow Chewing Marbles From: Anonymous (name withheld upon request) (___) (o o) /------\ / (__) / ____O (oo) | / /----\----\/ "Where did that camera come from!" /\oo===| / || | || *||~-----|| * ~~ ~~ ~~ From: ihnp4!decvax!savax!sii!siia!kgg (Kenneth G. Goutal) Thanks very much for distributing your cow canon. I got a copy via a friend who has access to netnews, which I do not. I ran off a copy to send to some friends who recently moved away, to a suburb of Detroit, and are not on the net at all. I thought they should have some cows appropriate to their locale. Herewith are my apocryphal cows: (__) \__\ (__) (oo) o (oo) (oo) /-------\/ ____\___\/ *+-------\/ / | || / | || ||______|| * ||----|| * ||----|| ||----|| OO OO OO OO OO OO Detroit cow Mustang cow pickup cow (__) (__) \_||_~ (oo) (oo) (*||*) /---------------\/ /----\/ /-------\||/ / | || / || / | || * ||------------|| *-||----|| * ||----|| OO OO OO OO OO }{ li-moo-cow fastback cow teenager's cow From: Mario Barbacci : (__) (oo) /-------\/ / | || * OO----OO low rider cow The following has nothing to do with Detroit, but surely belongs among the canonical cows: ____ (____) (__) (oo) /-------\/ / | || * ||----|| ~~ ~~ holy cow ---------------------- Our exclusive BULL section ----------------------- (___) (___) (o o) (o o) /-------\ / /-------\ / / | ||O / | O~ ||O * ||,---|| * ||,---|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Bull A-bomb-in-a-bull No-bull (---) ( ) /-----\ (___) | | (o o) | | | (-----) \ / | | | / / \ O | * | * | O | ~~ ~~ ----- Coward Phone Bull ------------------------- BIG COWS FOR BIG FOLKS ------------------------ ______________________ }__{ / From THE Stranger \ (00) ( 315258@uottawa......eh. ) :****** \/ ==='\________________________/' : # ## ##****## "" "" * * * . ## .... ##. . . .. ## ... ... ## .. .' ## ## '. . ## ## . ' . ### ### . ' '. . .### .. #### .. ### .' " . .. . . . . . . .. .. ' / +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ / \ / ` { '@' '@' } / { @@@ @@@ } ' H O L Y C O W { \ } + ! { \ } ++: : : \ \ / ++: : : { () () } ++ : : : \____________/ ++ : : : ! VW JIMMY WV ! + : : : \------------/ : :<<+++++++++++++++++++ : :/ ---\: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : ------ : : \ : :________: : ________m__ : :_____m____: * * * ** ** ** ** ** ** *** *** **** **** .*** .. **** .. *** / / \\ / ############################+ {=====} {=====} \ / # ` { : $$$ :=: $$$ : } / # { \___/ \___/ } ## H U M A N C O W { / \ } * ! { / \ } **: : : \ : : / **: : : { () VV () } ** : : : \____________/ ** : : : === 666 === * : : : P : :<<################### : :/ ---\: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : ------ : : \ : :________: : ________m__ : :_____m____: . . .. . . . .. . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .*. .*. . . Beauty Cow . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . .. . . . . . .... ..... *----------------------===> SPACE IS THE PLACE... <===-----------------------* * ewtileni@pucc.Princeton.EDU // ewtileni@pucc.BITNET * * rutgers!pucc.bitnet!ewtileni // princeton!pucc.bitnet!ewtileni * * ColorVenture - Microcomputer Software - "Because Life isn't Black and White"* *--------------------===> Another proud CoCo 3 owner <===---------------------* /* End of text from clio:rec.humor */ ========================================================================= Received: from UIUCVMD by VMD.CSO.UIUC.EDU (Mailer X1.25) with BSMTP id 7903; Mon, 07 Mar 88 09:45:45 CST Received: from uxc.cso.uiuc.edu by UIUCVMD.CSO.UIUC.EDU ; Mon, 07 Mar 88 09:45:44 CST Received: by uxc.cso.uiuc.edu (UIUC-5.52/9.7) id AA02858; Mon, 7 Mar 88 09:46:58 CST Received: by clio.las.uiuc.edu (4.12/9.4), id AA04838; Mon, 7 Mar 88 08:35:53 cst Date: Mon, 7 Mar 88 08:35:53 cst From: contract@clio.las.uiuc.edu (Noshir Contractor) Message-Id: <8803071435.AA04838@clio.las.uiuc.edu> To: contract@uiucvmd /* Written 12:13 pm Mar 5, 1988 by teh246@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu in clio:rec.humor */ /* ---------- "Undying Love" ---------- */ Here a little peom for that special girl in anyone's life: When we are so far apart, Can sorry break your tender heart. I love you darling, I really do. Sleep is sweet, I dream of you. All of you is like a rose. Night is here so I must close. With this I leave one thought in mind, You read the first word in every line. __________________________________________ Good luck and hope it works /* End of text from clio:rec.humor */ /* Written 1:33 pm Mar 5, 1988 by julie@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu in clio:rec.humor */ /* ---------- "Accident Reports" ---------- */ The following was published by an insurance company for internal distribution. These are summaries submitted when policyholders were asked for a brief statement describing their particular accident. I don't know, I found them kind of humorous and figured that someone else out there might too. ________________________________________________________________________________ "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention" "I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it" "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car" "The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him" "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment" "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle" "I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before" "I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident" "As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident" "The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to serve out of its path when it struck my front end" "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian" "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle" "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished" "When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car" "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him" "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car" "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house, and collided with a tree I don't have" "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Julie Wilmes ARPA: julie%uiucuxa@a.cs.uiuc.edu University of Illinois UUCP: {ihnp4,convex,pur-ee}!uiucdcs!uiucuxa!julie Urbana-Champaign -- All it takes is a nuclear war to ruin your whole day ... ________________________________________________________________________________ /* End of text from clio:rec.humor */