From dmcarder@MIT.EDU Thu Dec  9 19:42:31 1993
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From: dmcarder@MIT.EDU
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To: florey@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 15 Nov 93 11:14:12 EST

More from Dartmouth...
------- Forwarded Message

 tonite's words of wisdom:

Drinkers' Fault Finding Guide 
 
Symptom  : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is 
wet.
Fault    : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to 
wrong part of face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue 
with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is 
perfect.

Symptom  : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer 
unusually pale and clear.
Fault    : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom  : Room is spinning.
Fault    : Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution : Vomit on person doing the spinning.

Symptom  : Feet cold and wet.
Fault    : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom  : Feet warm and wet.
Fault    : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog.  After a while complain 
to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom  : Lap cool and wet.
Fault    : Drooling on yourself.
Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom  : Bar blurred.
Fault    : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom  : Bar moving.
Fault    : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar.  If not 
complain loudly that you are being hijacked.

Sympton  : Bar looks like a circus.
Fault    : You're at a circus.
Solution : Go to a bar.

Symptom  : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a
fluorescent strip across it.
Fault    : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking
arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the
bar.

Symptom  : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of 
teeth and dog-ends.
Fault    : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.
                                                                    
Symptom  : Everything has gone dim.
Fault    : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!

That's all folks!!  Sweet dreams!  
Drink PepsiTM The Choice of a New Generation!

------- End of Forwarded Message


