Dirt -- Dave Barry
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	I am pleased to report that, thanks to an important
scientific advance, the human race may soon be able, after years
of frustration and failure, to lick soap scum.
	I have here an article from the ASTM Standardization News.
ASTM stands for "American Society for Testing and Materials,"
which is an organization that, as its name implies, has something
to do with testing and materials. The article, sent in by alert
reader Michael Jawer, states:
	"Topping the list of the most dreaded household chores,
cleaning the soap scum from our showers and bathtubs has also been
one of the most challenging. But thanks to a new guide developed
by Subcommittee D-12.16 on Hard Surface Cleaning, part of
Committee D-12 on Soaps and Other Detergents, beating soap scum is
expected to become easier and less expensive"
	This is wonderful news indeed, because everybody has soap
scum. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Poke your head into the
finest bathrooms in the world -- in Buckingham Palace, the White
House, even the Vatican -- and you'll be shot by security guards.
So just take my word for it, there's soap scum in there, and they
can't get rid of it, because soap scum is the most durable
substance known to humanity, a fact that was demonstrated by the
U.S. space program. You may recall that when the first space
shuttle was built, scientists were concerned about protecting it
from the intense heat of re-entry into the atmosphere. So what did
they do? THEY COVERED THE SHUTTLE WITH TILES. They knew that tiles
are the ideal breeding ground for soap scum (it starts to form
right at the tile factory), and that soap scum cannot be harmed by
atmospheric re-entry or even leading household cleansers.
	Oh, sure, you've seen TV commercials wherein the Cheerful
Housewife, standing in a bathroom the size of Radio City Music
Hall, waltzes up to a scum-encrusted tile, sprays it with a
cleanser, and then wipes it off to reveal a sparkling shine. But
these commercials are not filmed on Earth, they're filmed on the
Commercial Planet, where everything is different, where fast-food-
chain employees really are happy to serve you; where there is some
meaningful difference between Coke and Pepsi; and where "light"
beer does not taste like weasel spit.
	Here on Earth, however, anti-soap-scum products are not
effective. I base this statement on a recent nationwide survey of
my Research Department, Judi Smith, who said:  "The stuff they say
gets rid of soap scum never, ever works."
	(She also said:  "My shower is way too dirty to attribute
to soap scum." But I am far too respectful of her privacy to
include that in this column. I also will not include the following
actual quote from her husband, Tim:  "What's soap scum?")
	For many years, the only prestigious international
research institution working on the soap-scum problem was Heloise,
who was always running hints from readers about it.  ("Heloise, my
soap-scum problem was so bad that my husband said he didn't even
want to take a shower! So I made a mixture of three parts vinegar,
one part lemon juice and two parts sulfuric acid, and I put it in
his coffee.")
	But then Subcommittee D-12.16 on Hard Surface Cleaning
swung into action. According to the ASTM Standardization News
article, researchers "went to consumers' homes and scraped off
soap scum to analyze it." I bet THAT was a fun job.
	RESEARCHER: Hi! I'm with the American Society for Testing
and Materials, and I'd like to obtain some of your soap scum.
	CONSUMER (calling to spouse): Marge, get the rifle.
	But the determined men and women of Subcommittee D-12.16
persevered. Using their samples, they were able, for the first
time in recorded history that I know of, to reproduce soap scum in
the laboratory.  (The article does not reveal the exact formula but
it involves human body fat and an ingredient identified only as
"dirt." The article also does not reveal where they GET the body
fat. Maybe they just go to liposuction clinics and ask for it.
"It's OK!" they explain.  "We're making soap scum!"
	To determine how cleansers are used in consumer
households, the researchers also conducted what the article
describes as "actual tests" in which they determined "when
consumers stop wringing the water from their sponge and how much
(cleanser) product they place on the sponge."  (It is only a
matter of time before this whole effort is dramatized in a motion
picture starring Harrison Ford.)
	Armed with this information, the researchers developed a
method for testing tile cleansers. The cleansers are tested on
tiles that have been coated with laboratory scum, then heated in
an oven.  ("Care to join us for lunch, Ted?"  "No thanks, Bob! I
just put a fresh batch of scum in the oven!")
	Please understand that we do NOT yet have a cure for soap
scum. But we DO have, finally, a standardized cleanser-testing
method. And the Standardization News article confidently predicts
that this standard will produce benefits that "go far beyond the
bathroom."
	On behalf of consumers everywhere, I salute the
researchers of Subcommittee D-12.16 on Hard Surface Cleaning. I
hope that their achievement will inspire the efforts of ASTM
research groups working on other serious bathroom-cleaning
problems. I refer specifically to Subcommittee C-35.98 on Getting
Kids To Stop Leaving Towels On The Floor, and -- this is the
ultimate challenge -- Subcommittee P-20.20 on Getting Males To For
God's Sake Aim Straight.

(C) 1993 THE MIAMI HERALD
DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.


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