                         Rating Your Party
                           by Dave Barry
 
If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the
kind of party where your guests wake up today and call you up to say
they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another party
next year.
 
What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests
wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if
they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so
anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start
planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you
from having another one.
 
So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level:
 
Festivity Level One:

  Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your
  Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano,
  sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres.
 
Festivity Level Two:

  Your guests are talking loudly - sometimes to each other and sometimes
  to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing
  "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and
  wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
 
Festivity Level Three:

  Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I
  Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks, wolfing
  down Christmas-tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the
  upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.
 
Festivity Level Four:

  Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies, are
  performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The
  piano is missing.
 
You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you
rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four.
The best way to get to Level Three is eggnog.
 
Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
comes from the English word "egg," meaning, "egg." I don't know where
the "nog" comes from.
 
To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in
season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl. Then
induce your guests to drink this mixture.
 
If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless
your party is very successful, in which case they will lob tear gas
through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they
don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, your
job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to do this is to show a
lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them you're not doing
anything illegal. Here's how to handle it:
 
Police: Good evening. Are you the host?

You:    No.

Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.

You:    About the drugs? 

Police: No.

You:    About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?

Police: No, the noise.

You:    Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no 
        guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
        background.)  Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
        The neighbors?

Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
        complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
        ask the host to quiet things down?

You:    No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive
        religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
        room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front
        door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests
        tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to
        wind down.





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