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\title{The Wedding Retreat}
\author{Written by:  Christopher Durang \\ performed by:  George Madrid}
\date{November 29, 1988}


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In the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, Amen.

Good evening, young marrieds.


Young marrieds have many problems to get used to.  For some of them,
this is the first person of the opposite sex the other has ever known.
The husband may not be used to having a woman in his bathroom.  The
wife may not be used to a strong masculine odor in her boudoir.  Or
then the wife may not cook well enough.  How many marriages have
floundered on the rocks of ill-cooked bacon?

I used to amuse friends by imitating bacon in a saucepan.  Would anyone
like to see that?

{\em Make Bacon}

I also do coffee percolating.  Pt. Pt. Ptptptptptptptptpt.  Bacon's
better.  But things like coffee and bacon are important in a marriage,
because they represent things the wife does to make her husband happy.
Or fat.  {\em Laugh.}  The wife cooks the bacon, and the husband brings
home the bacon.  This is how St. Paul saw marriage, although they
probably didn't really eat pork back then, the curing process was not
very well worked out in Christ's time, which is why so many of them
followed the Jewish dietary laws even though they were Christians.

I know I'm glad to be living now when we have cured pork and plumbing
and showers rather than back when Christ lived.  Many priests say they
wish they had lived in Christ's time so they could have met Him;  that
would, of course, have been very nice, but I'm glad I live now and have
a shower.

Now I don't mean to get off the point.  The point is husband and wife,
man and woman, Adam and rib.  I don't want to dwell on the inequality
of the sexes, because these vary from couple to couple---sometimes the
man is stupid, sometimes the woman is stupid,  sometimes both are
stupid.

The point is man and wife are joined in holy matrimony to complete each
other, to populate the earth and to glorify God.  That's what it's for.
That's what life is for.  If you're not a priest or a nun, you normally
get married.

Man and wife and are helpmates. She helps him, he helps her.  In
sickness and in health.   Anna Karenina should not have jumped in front
of a train.  Marriage is not a step to be taken lightly.  

The Church does not recognize divorce; it does permit it, if you insist
for legal purposes, but in the eyes of the Church you are still married
and you can never be unmarried, and that's why you can never be
remarried after a divorce because that would be bigamy, and that's a sin
and illegal as well.

So, for God's sake, if you're going to get married, pay attention to
what you're doing, have conversations with the person, figure out if
you really want to live with that person for years and years and years,
because you can't change it.

Priest's have it easier.  If I don't like my pastor, I can apply for a
transfer.  If I don't like a housekeeper, I can get her fired.  But a
husband and wife are stuck together.  So know what you're doing when you
get married.  I get so sick of these people coming to me after they're
married, and they've just gotten to know one another after the ceremony,
and they've discovered they have nothing in common and they hate one
another.  And they want me to come with a solution.  What can I do?
There is no solution to a problem like that.  I can't help them!  It
puts me in a terrible position.

I can't say get a divorce, that's against God's law.  I can't say go get
some on the side, that's against God's law.  I can't say just pretend
you're happy and maybe after a while you won't know the difference
because, though it's not against God's law, not many people know how to
do that, and if I suggested it to people, they'd write to the Bishop
complaining about me and then he'd transfer me to some godforsaken place
in Latin America, without a shower, and all because these people don't
know what they're doing when they get married.

So I mumble platitudes to these people who come to me with their
insoluble problems, and I think to myself, ``Why didn't they think
before they got married?  Why does no one ever think?  Why did God make
people stupid?''

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