A Cold Winter Night
On a cold winter night, I stood in the middle of a forest. As I looked
around, I could feel things, weird things, watching me. So I started to
run away as fast as my little legs could carry me. I could feel their
breath behind me, coming closer as my own muscles gave out. Suddenly, I
decided I wasn't going to take their shit anymore, so I spun around and
made my eyes glow red, and made my tongue grow and curl around their
insignificant heads, and made my tongue crush their skulls inot
pulverized dust. But that didn't work... they kept on coming, so I
panicked; I ran like hell again, but then I felt in my pocket... there
was my trusty roll of -- Duct Tape! And some Pop Tarts, but I ignored
this fact and thought to myself, "My those were tasty heads, but they
neaded salt." I started to think about what I should do with my duct
tape. I thought and thought for many days as they hovered around me,
making weird sounds and interesting smells. I finally knew, so I wipped
out my duct tape and ripped off a good hunk of it and was about to
rescue myself when one of the monsters pounced on me and licked my face.
*SLURP!* Argh... they were friendly the whole time! I breathed a sigh
of relief, but right then I remembered two things: my duct tape was
double-sided, and I had to take a dump really bad, but I only had duct
tape, no toilet paper. I didn't really want to stick that duct tape
places where the sun don't shine, but I thought of my new found friends
and their tongues. Actually, no, that's way too mean to do to my
friends, so I decided to just hold it until I found some toilet paper,
and I NEVER change my mind!!! So it was decided, I was off for a quest
for T.P., but then I noticed something... while I was being licked,
someone had shackled me to a rather large rock. "Hm... " I thought, so
I slipped the lock pick from my sleave and began on the lock. As I was
working on it, I saw a beautiful person of the opposite gender (of which
I am attracted to...) walking toward me and saying, "Why do you opposite
gender types always have to be so stupid?" This person then began,
calmly, to make a small pile of wood al my feet, then to produce a small
piece of flint and steel. The steel happened to be a long sword, and
the person whipped this sword around and cut off my head screaming
"There can be only one!", but as soon as I died, my soul inhabited his
body. At this point I started thinking, "Woa! This is like, so totally
rad, dude, I mean, like, woa, I mean, I've never, been THIS sex before,
like, cool!" And while my mind was occupied by these semi-incoherent
ramblings, his mind regained control and resumed the ritual burning of
my body; the flames reached higher and higher, and he sang "Na'eeshi
Kuuboobga yo-Hiili VQWmpkl;g*%s64D." I was a crisp. The End.
written by Dylan Glas krill@mit.edu, Emily Havens emhavens@mit.edu,
and Cat Tait cat@mit.edu.