Joe.Nicholson.@f211.n1000.z52.warpgate.com (Joe Nicholson ) writes:

>  Steve wrote:
> 
>  > It might not be tonight, but eventually someone's going to get a
>  > hurricaine, nor'easter, earthquake, big snowstorm or even just a
>  > blackout after a storm and we'll need a lot of these things anyway.
> 
> 
>    NEWS  ANNOUNCER:   Good  evening.   Our  top  story tonite is Tropical
>    depression  Vinny, which is shaping up to be the most deadly potential 
>    natural  disaster  ever  to  strike  this  nation since last week when 
>    Tropical  Depression  Ursula  came  within  just  1,745  miles  of the 
>    American  soil  before veering off and inflicting an estimated $143.00 
>    worth  of  damage on the Azores.  For more on Vinny, let's go straight 
>    to  the  FearPlex  WeatherCenter, where meteoroligist Dirk Doppler, in 
>    anticipation  of  a  long  nite  of  escalating  tension, has  already 
>    applied 75 cubic feet of Rave Extra Hold hairspray.
>    
>    METEOROLOGIST:   Thank  you,  Bill.  As we can see from this satellite 
>    photograph  taken from space, right now Vinny is located at a latitude 
>    of  36.8 degrees centigrade and is projected to follow a    path that, 
>    according  to  our computer model, could potentially take  it directly 
>    to  any  of  the  13  original  colonies as well as Florida, Kentucky, 
>    Oklahoma,  Canada  and  western  Europe.   We are urging     everybody 
>    within  the  potentially  affected  areas to become extremely nervous, 
>    because  this potentially has the potential to become a Catagory Seven 
>    storm,  which  means  a storm capable of yanking the udder right off a 
>    standing cow.
>    
>    ANNOUNCER:  What is your best guess at this point, Dirk?
>    
>    METEOROLOGIST:  Without creating undue alarm, Bill,  I would say there 
>    is no hope for human survival on this planet.
>    
>    ANNOUNCER:   Thank  you, Dirk.  We go now to reporter Crystal Baroque, 
>    who has been standing by at the Homeowner Hell megastore.  Crystal?
>    
>    REPORTER:   Bill,  as  usual  with storms of this potential, there are 
>    long  lines  of people waiting to buy plywood.  Sir, how long have you 
>    been here?
>    
>    CUSTOMER:   I've  been  waiting  17  hours,  but it's worth it, to get 
>    plywood.   Whenever  there's  a storm, I hear these voices telling me, 
>    "Irving!   Go  get plywood!"  And I don't even have a home!I just have 
>    a big pile of plywood.  
>    
>    REPORTER:  I see.  
>    
>    CUSTOMER:  Also, my name isn't "Irving.  "
>    
>    REPORTER:  Back to you, Bill.  
>    
>    ANNOUNCER:   In  another  important  tradition,  the  supermarkets are 
>    jammed  with  panicked  consumers  buying bottled water, as you see in 
>    the  videotape  that  we have shown during every potential storm since 
>    1973.   Now  let's go back to the FearPlex WeatherCenter for an update 
>    from meteorologist Dirk Doppler.  
>    
>    METEOROLOGIST:   Bill,  as you can see from this satellite photograph, 
>    Tropical  Depression  Vinny  has  not moved at all, which means we are 
>    now  expanding  the potential disaster area to include mainland China.  
>    The  satelitte is also reporting the entire planet Earth is surrounded 
>    by  a  cold,  airless  void  extending  for  trillions of miles in all 
>    directions.  It looks very bad, Bill.  
>    
>    ANNOUNCER:   We  now  go to the National Hurricane Center, where we'll 
>    be  speaking with the director, Harmon Wankel, who has been sitting in 
>    the  same  chair  for 68 straight hours without food or sleep, staring 
>    into  bright  lights  while  being relentlessly interviewed by TV news 
>    people about this potential storm.  Harmon, what's the latest word?
>    
>    HURRICANE CENTER DIRECTOR:  I hope you all die.  
>    
>    ANNOUNCER:   Thank  you.  Now we're going to the White House, where we 
>    understand   President   Clinton   is   about  to  make  an  emergency 
>    statement.  
>    
>    THE  PRESIDENT:   As  you can tell by my sad moony face, my heart goes 
>    out  to  all  of  those  who have the potential of being devastated by 
>    this  potentially  devestating  storm.   I  have ordered the mandatory 
>    evacuation  of  North  and  South America, to be enforced by strafing, 
>    and  I  have  personally  instructed Vice President Gore to get into a 
>    helicopter  and  fly  around  until  everybody  in  his  entourage  is 
>    airsick.   I am also hearby offering clemency to every convicted felon 
>    in  New  York  State.   Let  us  all  bite our lips and pray that this 
>    terrible  potential  disaster proceeds directly to the home of Kenneth 
>    Starr.  
>    
>    ANNOUNCER:   Let's  go  back to the FearPlex WeatherCenter, where Dirk 
>    Doppler has an Urgent News Bulletin on Tropical Depression Vinny.  
>    
>    METEOROLOGIST:   Bill, according to our latest satellite images, Vinny 
>    is GONE!  It was right here, and now pffft, there's no sign of it!
>    
>    ANNOUNCER:  Does this mean we can stop panicking?
>    
>    METEOROLOGIST:   Of course not.  Vinny could be ANYWHERE.  It could be 
>    IN  YOUR HOUSE.  Everybody should get under the bed NOW.  Also we need 
>    to  start  worrying  about  potentially  lethal  Tropical Breeze Xera, 
>    which is forming over here.  See it?
>    
>    ANNOUNCER:  No.  
>    
>    METEOROLOGIST: YES YOU DO! IT'S RIGHT THERE! YOU'VE GOT TO BELIEVE ME!
>    
>    ANNOUNCER:   We now go to Dan Rather, courageously standing on a beach 
>    wearing a slicker.  
> 
> ___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12
> --
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