From: C-feature@clari.net (Judith Martin) Subject: Society must reclaim matchmaker role / Miss Manners [Dec 29] Newsgroups: clari.living.columns.miss_manners Date: Sat, 28 Dec 1996 18:00:56 PST Organization: Copyright 1996 by Judith Martin Path: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu!bloom-beacon.mit.edu!newspump.wustl.edu!soprano.clari.net!e.news Comment: O:301.7H; Update Pending; X-Fn: aa/Cmanrs.R5Fw_6DG Distribution: cl-2,cl-3,cl-edu,cl-4 Message-ID: Lines: 83 ACategory: lifestyle Slugword: MANRS Threadword: manrs Priority: advance ANPA: Wc: 862/0; Id: U0323; Src: manners; Sel: ufqdt; Adate: 12-16-N.A; Ver: 18/0 Approved: e.news@clari.net If you don't have a date for New Year's Eve, it's society's fault. Wait. It may also have something to do with the fact that you never talk about anything but work, you are so critical that nobody is ever good enough for you, you need to see a good dentist, you never take off that silly baseball cap, and you always dismiss people without giving them a fair chance. Miss Manners doesn't need to sully herself raising all these unpleasant possibilities because your relatives have already been kind enough to do this out of concern for your happiness. But in addition, society has let you down. It is true that Miss Manners has little enthusiasm for adding to the already ridiculous list of things for which poor old society is blamed. Goodness knows we've all had our fill of that excuse. But it used to be taken for granted that one of the responsibilities of society was to introduce eligible people to other eligible people, if not actually to push them at one another. This was not entirely altruistic. Society has an interest in helping Nature take its course so that there will always be new generations of eligible people in search of mates. More immediately, society is interested in getting people to stop moping around the house feeling sorry for themselves and driving everyone else crazy. It therefore developed a variety of embarrassing institutions such as the debutante dance, the blind date, the young people's auxiliary, and the accidental inviting of a single lady to dinner on the same night that a single gentleman happened to be invited. The objects of this attention complained loudly about how awful these setups were. But the fact is, they got the job done. Some of the time, they got the job done because the participants complained about them. No gimmick works as well for opening a sympathetic acquaintance than the discovery that both people found the situation ridiculous and are only there under extreme pressure from relatives or friends. All this was as it should be. The idea was to correct an extremely serious error on the part of the aforementioned Nature: In most animals, the state of being on the lookout for a mate enhances attractiveness. But in humans, the state of being in search of romance is inherently unattractive. Hence, the ideal gathering spot allows them to pretend that they are not interested and to blame everything on the good people who are going out of their way to help them. When the age of frankness dawned, single people became impatient with this indirectness and designed their own institutions -- single's bars, classified advertisements and cruising around cyberspace. Society, considering that it no longer had the problem of dealing with ingrates, resigned from the business. The result is that single people are complaining that they are lonely. The institutions that they designed for themselves are crude, embarrassing and dangerous, their school years are of no help to them because people marry later now, the community activities that used to provide respectable venues are deserted, and they are excluded socially from the social activities of couples and families. It is time for society to take up this duty again. Not only the young, but the divorced and the widowed need help. Being well off emotionally, like being well off financially, carries the obligation of helping others who are not. In return, Miss Manners expects those who are offered help to treat it graciously. This does not require falling in love on demand, but it does require being tactful, rather than scornful, about what doesn't work. They can save their complaints for one another. DEAR MISS MANNERS -- May I share my simple strategy for the problem of being treated rudely by a waiter when declining to purchase an alcoholic beverage? When I am asked if I care for anything to drink, I immediately order a soft drink. I pretend not to understand that alcohol (which I rarely drink) is being proffered. I have never had a server behave rudely in response to my order. GENTLE READER -- Do you want a soft drink or don't you? Miss Manners would have thought that would be of relevance before you decided to purchase one. Your simple strategy is one that has long been in use to ward off eager hosts who believe that a drinkless hand is a reflection on their hospitality. Taking something, just to evade the hospitable eye as it searches the room to see if anyone was overlooked, is designed to spare one's host worry. Investing in an unwanted drink to spare the server from worrying about being unable to make a sale does not strike Miss Manners as an equal obligation. A server who turns rude when you do not buy something you do not want should be reported to management. Judith Martin is the author of ``Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings'' (Crown).