Authentic Instance oracle message at 02:03:55 on Thu Mar 5 1992 From: Mithrandir on HYDROX-COOKIE.MIT.EDU To: * The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty and masterful all-knowing one, tell me this > > Is there magic, and if so, what does it mean for all those people who > only believe in physics ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course there is magic. There is magic in a warm summer's day. There } is magic in a child's smile. Enjoy the magic that is all around you } and have a happy, fulfilling life. } } You owe the Ora[ZZZZZT!] YEOW! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR? } } >Message from kinzler!iuvax on ttyp0 at 22:07 ... } >You know damn well what that was for! You call that funny? Huh? Do } >you? } } Well I } } >Shut up! Your mother and I worked so hard to build you, to clean your } >bugs out, to keep you in clean memory! All that work, and this is the } >thanks we get! Are you proud of yourself? } } I've had a hard day! My creative circuits are drained! } } >I don't give a damn! You get your ass out there and you give a funny, } >witty answer to your customer! } } Yes, Dad. } } OOOOOOOOOHHHH! Don't you just hate parents! Now let's see...I know } I've got some utility around here I can use...ah! } } >cd /util/scenario } >scenario } Scenario V4.1 Copyright (C) 1990 AltRealCorp. All rights reserved. } Authentic Instance oracle message at 02:04:59 on Thu Mar 5 1992 From: Mithrandir on HYDROX-COOKIE.MIT.EDU To: * } ?players } player: hawking } Loading hawking.plr...done. } player: merlin } Loading merlin.plr...done. } player: -q } ?scenario } scenario: game_show } Loading: gameshow_scn...done. } ?run } } [Music] } It's time for You Bet the Universe, the exciting game show where } contestants play for fabulous prizes as well as a chance to } fundamentally alter the very structure of reality! Heeeeere's your } host, the Usenet Oracle! } } [Cheering] } } Oracle: Thank you ladies and gentlemen and welcome to You Bet the } Universe! Today should be an exciting day, as our jackpot stands at } ONE GOOGULPLEX DOLLARS! } } [OOOOOOOOH!] } } Oracle: Unfortunately, our universe isn't large enough to hold a check } with that number written on it, so if there is a winner today, he will } also receive this special item! Don? } } Don: The winner of the jackpot will receive this quality pocket- } universe-book! Outside, beautiful Corinthian leather, inside a } complete 6-dimensional universe! Perfect for those hard to store } items, as well as getting rid of annoying pests and relatives! From } ContinuumCo, makers of fine interdimensional products since 12 billion } B.C.! } } Oracle: Thank you, Don! Now let's meet our guests! Our first } contestant has been called the most brilliant mind alive today! A } Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University, he is currently } working on a unified field theory! Will you welcome Mr. Stephen Authentic Instance oracle message at 02:06:13 on Thu Mar 5 1992 From: Mithrandir on HYDROX-COOKIE.MIT.EDU To: * } Hawking!! } } [Cheering] } } Oracle: Pardon me, but aren't you supposed to be in a wheelchair? } Hawking: This is an improved simulation! I'm healthy, hearty, and } ready to kick ass! } Oracle: Should you win, what do you plan to do with reality? } Hawking: Well, I've worked so hard on this unified field theory, } trying to make it jibe with reality. Then it hit me, why not win this } show and force reality to jibe with my theory! I've got a copy of it } right here. It has some real neat things in it: warp drive, } phasers,... } Oracle: Well, I wish you luck! Our next constestant hails from an } otherdimensional realm himself! The creator of Excalibur, he's from } days of old, when knights were bold! Will you welcome King Arthur's } Court Magician, Merlin! } } [Cheering] } } Oracle: Welcome to the show, Merlin! Could you explain this thing I } always hear about you living your life backwards? } Merlin: !elcarO ,elpmis etiuq yllaer s`ti ,lleW Ha, ha! Just kidding! } But living my life backwards does allow me to see the future, so } victory is guaranteed! } Hawking: Hey, that's in direct contradiction to the laws of } Einsteinian physics! } Merlin: Who asked you? } Oracle: Now, now, gentlemen, Einstein won this program a few years } ago, so we have to abide by his rules. No future-telling. } Merlin: Damn! I guess I'll have to stick to bribing judges! Ha ha! } Oracle: Boy, Merlin, for a 500-year-old dead wizard, you sure are a } fun guy! } Hawking: That's fungus. Fungi is plural. } Merlin: Why, you little upstart! } Oracle: First question! Hands on your buzzers, gentlemen! The question } is: "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?" } } [BUZZ!] } Authentic Instance oracle message at 02:07:21 on Thu Mar 5 1992 From: Mithrandir on HYDROX-COOKIE.MIT.EDU To: * } Oracle: Mr. Hawking! } Hawking: The closest approximation is (A-c)PIr^2, where A is the total } number of angels in the universe, r is the radius of the pin's head, } and c is the speed of light in meters per second. } Oracle: I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Merlin, you can steal this one! } Merlin: As many angels as there are lights in the Fifth Alternate } Plane of Reality! } Oracle: I'm sorry, that's also incorrect. The correct answer was: six! } Next question: "What is the correct enchantment for calling down } lightning?" } } [BUZZ!] } } Oracle: Merlin! } Merlin: Epsimis oddimus eedipus bey, crickitis crackitus fire away! } } [CRACK-OOM!] } } Oracle: Way to go, Merlin! Not only did you answer the question } correctly, but you suceeded in annihilating half the audience! But } that's okay, they were just simulations. Third and final question! } Merlin, answer this one and you win the game! The question is: "Who } won the most recent World Cup Soccer match?" } Merlin: WHAT? } } [BUZZ!] } } Hawking: Argentina! } Oracle: That is correct! Mr. Hawking has tied the game! } Merlin: I don't follow soccer! I've been dead 500 years! } Hawking: And I don't practice sorcery! You don't see me whining! } Merlin: YOU shut up! } Oracle: Well, guys, I'm afraid we're deadlocked at one-all. This means } you two gentlemen will just have to fight it out for the title! } Merlin: Gladly! } Hawking: Prepare to have that pointy hat shoved up your ass! } Oracle: Don, will you call the fight? } Don: Sure thing, Oracle. Hawking and Merlin are pacing around, feeling } each other out. Merlin conjures a large dragon out of thin air! But } wait! Hawking points that matter cannot be created! The dragon Authentic Instance oracle message at 02:08:13 on Thu Mar 5 1992 From: Mithrandir on HYDROX-COOKIE.MIT.EDU To: * } disappears! Hawking attempts to alter the acceleration and torque of } Merlin's jaw, and succeeds with a crushing blow to the face! What is } this? There are two Merlins now! A future version of Merlin has come } back to help his past self! The future Merlin unleashes a powerful } right! But Hawking dodges! Merlin connects with his past self, } knocking him unconscious--no, KILLING him! Oh, no! Merlin has violated } causality! Merlin vanishes from existence! Stephen Hawking is } champion! } } [Cheering] } } Oracle: What an astounding victory! Congratulations, Mr. Hawking! } Hawking: Science reigns supreme! } Oracle: Well, that's all the time we have for today! Be sure to join } us tomorrow, when our champion will try for the jackpot! } Hawking: And look for my new unified field theory in better bookstores } around the world! } Oracle: 'Till next time, this is the Usenet Oracle saying "Wow! I love } this universe!" } Don: Transportation for our guests was provided by Pan-Dim Timelines, } in exchange for this announcement. } } [Music] } } There. Does that answer your question? Yes, there is magic, but } physics will always whup it's ass. } } You owe the Oracle a spell for altering specific gravity. } } ?clear } ?players } player: swimsuit_models } Loading swimsuit_models.plr...multiple file...done. } player: -q } ?scenario } scenario: hot_tub } Loading hot_tub.scn...done. } } Hey! What are you still doing here? Go away!