Now that I'm a lawyer, I'm starting to get the obligatory lawyer jokes. Just so people don't send me repeats, and so y'all can see what I've set myself up for, here are the ones I've received (and found) so far.
This one's a bit dated -- ed
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In the USSR, we have the best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as what we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away...". Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle out the window.
All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban opens a box of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world are there better cigars, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the box of Havanas out the window.
One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
The American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer out...
Q: What do you call 15 lawyers buried up to their necks in
sand?
A1: Not enough sand.
A2: A good start.
Two Florida alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids ... I just don't get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hmmmm. Well, where do you catch'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hmmmm. How do you catch'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. "Do you serve lawyers in here?" the man inquires.
"Sure do!" replied the bartender.
"Great!" the man said. "I'll have a Coors Light, and how 'bout a lawyer for my 'gator."
The following four are from an article detailing why two men got arrested for telling lawyer jokes. The people who had them arrested are the ones who belong behind bars, for lack of a sense of humor.
Q: What do you say to a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Good morning, Your Honor.
Q: How do you tell if a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers 100 feet into the ground?
A: Because down deep, they're good people.
Q: What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A: Wing tips.
A lawyer and his two friends -- a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man -- had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, "There might be a problem, you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for 40 years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others went to bed for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door and there stood the Rabbi. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. The Rabbi replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that it's an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agreed to trade places with him. But a few minutes later, there was another knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked. The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country, cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Leaving him with no choice, the lawyer went out to the barn, grumbling to himself and complaining. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood...
The pig and the cow.
I've found other collections of lawyer jokes: