SPAM Haiku: News Bites

SHAM-54.
New food ethics law:
SPAM cannot include meat from
Aborted pig parts.

SHAM-59.
Government campaign
Against substance abuses:
"Just say NO to SPAM."

SHAM-69.
Federal building.
Parked in front--truckload of SPAM.
Pandemonium.

SHAM-76.
Deadbeat father sends
SPAM as child-support payment.
Twenty years in jail.

SHAM-112.
Cigarettes, liquor--
"Sin" tax for things bad for you.
Why not a SPAM tax?

SHAM-114.
CNN: Canned News
Network. Spamming the globe with
Processed, packaged news.

SHAM-206.
Saddam's big surprise:
Opening the crate marked "FOOD"
He finds SPAM inside.

19.
If one tried to make
George Bush eat SPAM, would he say:
"Not gonna do it!"?

20.
Maybe George Bush puked.
Or maybe he just faked it
By using some SPAM.

40.
President reviews
School lunch program meat item.
Says, "I feel your SPAM."

53.
O.J. not guilty!
Stomach contents analyzed:
SPAM is cause of death.

82.
Downed U.S. pilot,
survival kit full of SPAM,
eats ants, sucks wool socks.

234.
Scott O'Grady packed
SPAM in his survival kit,
lived on bugs for days.

283.
Soon headlines will read
"Government Seizes SPAM Plant!"
I eat in great fear

298.
The war in the Gulf:
Saddam wanted Kuwaiti SPAM.
Tyranny halted.

370.
Crowds of refugees,
Starving. UN airdrops SPAM.
Muslims flee from planes.

371.
Mickey Mantle and
the "Bewitched" guy. New livers?
Let them transplant SPAM.

377.
Iraqis give up
They only had SPAM to eat
during Desert Storm

380.
SPAM goes to D.C.
Wins seat in legislature
Pork-barrel funding

408.
Hormel court battle
Muppet named Spa'am can't be
Name too similar

409.
New Muppet Spa'am
Must be mystery muppet
Can't tell what's in it

465.
Wet pink and tasty
Hard exterior...peaceful?
Nuke all the Frenchmen!

533.
UN airdrops SPAM
To Bosnian refugees
Errant cans kill Serbs

535.
O.J.'s innocent
SPAM is made from finest pork
Which would you believe?

559.
Spamville, USA
Is where the critter hails from.
Send Janet Reno.

634.
Reno torched Hormel
compound. Says, "I had to. They
tortured kids with SPAM."

682.
Question for Pro-Life:
Potential man or cell mass?
Posed by SPAM v. Wade.

683.
Globules of chopped SPAM
Operation Rescue flaunts
In front of clinic.

684.
Abortionist's trash
Contains grisly organs, meat.
SPAM for lunch again.

685.
Pregnant woman eats
SPAM. Remnants flow through system.
Hear the Silent Scream.

686.
One-time Vegan Roe
Recanted, eats SPAM with hicks.
What went out, goes in.

687.
Chinese say no more
Than two kids, then abortion.
SPAM supply maintained.

688.
Alley near clinic:
Pat Mahoney eats SPAM with
Rusty coat hanger.

696.
war in Bosnia
more lethal than atom bombs
SPAM dropped from airplanes

726.
Senator Exon
Downloads SPAM GIFs from archive,
Soils the Senate floor.

733.
I saw the best SPAM
of my generation con-
geal into Gingrich.

738.
Slick Willy admits
Eating SPAM at school. Too bad
He didn't inhale.

741.
If O. J.'s guilty,
Bill, watch for new SPAM flavor:
Roast Buffalo, Bill.

742.
Fuhrman spews racist
SPAM. L.A.P.D., do like
Hormel: can the pig.

785.
New SPAM cigarettes:
Surgeon general says, "Heads
will roll over this."

786.
New SPAM cigarettes
introduce a new health risk:
Second-hand nitrates.

839.
Prisoners served SPAM.
The Supreme Court rules it cruel
and unusual.

840.
Third World dictators
force feed SPAM to dissidents.
Amnesty protests.

841.
School lunch funding cuts
cause SPAM to be served each day.
Truancy shoots up.

846.
Hormel accused of
using fake pork. New York Post's
headline: SHAM SPAM SCAM.

852.
Howard Johnson's bans
Sale of SPAM. HO-JO has gone
Upscale. That's too bad.

859.
James Brown convicted
of wife beating: "damn woman
just cooks SPAM surprise"

869.
A SPAM can in hand
"Domestic Violence Rise"
Seized as evidence

878.
No, Fishel, not in
My New World Order. Read my
Lips: no SPAM taxes.

885.
Booda and Fishel
debate the proposed SPAM tax
on the next Crossfire.

927.
Tax breaks for Hormel?
That's the ultimate in pork
barrel politics.

928.
Booda wants tax cuts
for rich SPAM eaters. Wait, that's
an oxymoron.

929.
Legacy of SPAM
tax cuts? Crippling deficits,
crippling angina.

930.
Disney opens up
SPAM-land: shows final fate of
the three little pigs.

931.
Attendance at new
SPAM-land is low--but better
than Euro-Disney's.

933.
N.E.A. sponsors
Serano's "SPAM Christ." Jesse
Helms goes ballistic.

934.
New group to combat
substance abuse: MASH--Mothers
Against SPAM Haiku.

935.
Betty Ford Center
opens SPAM haiku wing. There's
still some hope for me.

1026.
Interest rate hike due
To tinned meat scare, says Fed chair-
man Alan Greenspam.

1060.
The National SPAM
Association protects
your right to bear SPAM.

1061.
NSA slogan:
"When SPAM is outlawed, only
outlaws will have SPAM."

1062.
Second NSA
slogan: "SPAMs don't kill people;
fry cooks kill people."

1063.
NSA lobbies
to overturn laws banning
sales of "assault SPAMs."

1075.
Iraq flouts ban on
biological weapons,
starts stockpiling SPAM.

1076.
Surgeon general
reveals world's most addictive
substance: SPAM haiku.

1129.
Newt slashes budget
Grateful wealthy pay no tax
Poor can't afford SPAM

1140.
O.J. not guilty
SPAM, defiled by the masses
The world is a mess

1149.
The Law and Sausage;
Both far prettier than SPAM.
What say you, O.J.?

1150.
I have heard it said,
That in Waco was much SPAM.
Truth or baloney?

1162.
O.J. returns home
After year, cupboards bare but
for one lone SPAM tin.

1165.
"L.A. cops," he said,
"DNA, blood, glove, Bronco..."
"Pass the SPAM," she said.

1170.
"If the blue tins don't
fit, you must acquit." Trial
of O. J. SPAMson.

1172.
Hormel Valdez runs
aground. Slicks of pink grease wash
onto the shoreline.

1198.
Hormel sues Henson
"Spamme" not acceptable name
for MISTER Piggy

1223.
Ito smiles sweetly
The SPAM under his robe feels
Really good today

1312.
Grills spew smoke on mall.
D.C. filled with barbeque.
The million-SPAM march.

1392.
New federal law:
"Prisons must serve SPAM daily."
Crime rate drops to nil.

1415.
Michael Jackson sells
more Beatles songs for ads: "I
Wanna Hold Your SPAM."

1416.
In new commercials,
Hormel copies Pizza Hut:
"Eat old SPAM 'crust first.'"

1482.
New campaign platform
Universal health care plan
SPAM in every pot

1542.
Furloughed fed workers
Loiter in alleys, heat SPAM
Over garbage fires.

1557.
Newt, meditating.
"Welfare solved! Let poor eat SPAM!"
Hormel stock doubles.

1597.
Piggy Rush Limbaugh
Watch that porker every night
Tune in to C-SPAM

1640.
Surgeon General's
Warning: Ingesting SPAM is
Certain health hazard.

1672.
U.S. troops arrive,
And with them, M.R.E.'s. Blight
Spreads through Bosnia.

1745.
Billy Jeff tried it,
Didn't like it, never once
inhaled a SPAM splif.

1747.
Gates acquires Hormel.
Microsoft SPAM for Windows.
Apple stock doubles.

1751.
McQueen's "Blob" frozen,
Dropped into Antarctica.
(It--pink. Its can--blue.)

1904.
Hormel's Bay of Pigs.
Again the world holds its breath.
SPAM missiles turned back!

1937.
Hormel loses suit.
Plan to cross Mississippi
Catfish with SPAM foiled.

2051.
Budget gridlock hits
White House state dinners: SPAM is
served to diplomats.

2057.
A ticking blue tin.
An explosion of pig snouts.
UnaSPAMer strikes.

2172.
Gays in the army.
SPAM ingredients. For both,
it's "Don't ask, don't tell."

2173.
New Whitewater SPAM:
two parts pig snouts and one part
shredded documents.

2232.
Blizzard bearing down.
Supermarket shelves are stripped.
SPAM is left behind.

2241.
pitiful effort
to revive Warwick's career--
SPAM infomercial

2243.
Poor people complain
"SPAM tax unfair." And they're right.
Rich unaffected.

2281.
It burst into SPAM!
Oh, the humanity and
all the passengers!

2286.
I lobbed a SPAM soft-
ball at Darryl Strawberry
SPAM does not have fans

2324.
Karadzic sealed in
tin. A lovely sight to see.
The first pig in SPAM.

2352.
Timothy McVeigh.
Hanging is too good for him.
I say, feed him SPAM.

2373.
SPAM yanked from Olym-
pic menu. Do you believe
in miracles? Yes!

2380.
Sheriff's deputies
follow gel trail to Manson
at SPAM's Movie Ranch.

2384.
Lizzie Borden took
a can and served it to her
mom and dad. Murder!

2392.
Old retired jocks to
star in ads for new SPAM Lite.
"Tastes filling!" "Less great!"

2466.
The New York Times said,
"All the SPAM that's fit to print."
There's no news today.

2475.
Dennis Rodman tries
new hair color called "SPAM Pink."
Bulls go 0 for 9.

2507.
"S-Chip Bill" proposed
to censor TV SPAM ads.
Much public support.

2559.
Texan Senator
quits. Changed my bumper sticker:
"Spamm for President."

2560.
Babe nominated.
Hanks and Travolta shut out.
SPAM is triumphant.

2564.
Dennis Rodman sports
a bold new look. He's wearing
SPAM on his head now.

2565.
Rodman ejected.
Too much slippin' and slidin'
On dripping pink grease.

2629.
The FDA finds
that SPAM isn't good for you.
Wow, that's a surprise.

2632.
Cafeteria.
Prisoners are given SPAM.
Riot! ATTICA!

2633.
Taco Bell comes out
with new SPAM chimichangas.
Run from the border!

2639.
Surgeon Gen'ral warns:
You can eat SPAM while pregnant
Child death rate triples

2640.
Sure glad they cancelled
the Super SPAM Collider.
What a waste of pork.

2641.
Strict new safety rule:
"Employees must submit to
random SPAM-testing."

2649.
Izat Begovich,
Slobodan Milosevich:
SPAM upon their land!

2676.
Buchanan campaign
Rocked by another scandal.
Advisor ate SPAM.

2698.
"SPAM haiku and fame!"
Blares the Chicago Tribune.
John Cho is King Spam!

2732.
Pat Buchanan says,
"Build 40-foot wall of SPAM
to keep out wetbacks!"

2733.
"Evolution wrong,"
exclaims Pat. "Can't explain SPAM!"
But who would want to?

2734.
"Flat tax makes you rich,
all the SPAM you can eat! YUM!"
Forbes drops out of race.

2735.
Military men
and criminals all ate SPAM.
Cause and effect? Hmmm.

2736.
Bob Dole cracks a smile.
Did Elizabeth fry him
some SPAM this morning?

2737.
Republican SPAM:
It's the same old pork in a
fancier new can.

2738.
"Read my lips," said George,
"No new SPAM taxes!" Next prez:
Clinton. No surprise.

2817.
Worldwide pollution
"Human Spam Counts Decreasing!"
The silver lining

2824.
Unabomber's change
of heart: non-lethal pork tins
inflict mass terror.

2836.
"Mad cow" warnings halt
all beef sales in U.K. stores.
McSPAM starts riots.

2837.
Mir linkup in space,
astronauts bring SPAM as gift.
Uh oh. Nude space walk.

2841.
O Hyakutake
Night sky blue as my SPAM can
Ooo! Ahhh! Back to sleep

2851.
Dole nomination
guaranteed. SPAM quality
guaranteed. Oh, joy.

2875.
Eating British SPAM
Leads to haiku craziness.
It's "mad pig disease."

2876.
Apple Computer
Goes out of business, and yet
Hormel survives. Ha!

2950.
Autopsy finds SPAM;
Kevorkian was nearby.
See you in court, Jack.

2968.
Cop beats up migrants
Heading for "jobs" at Hormel.
Meat tenderizer.

2989.
Unabomber lived
on SPAM, venison, tuna.
Mystery now solved!

2991.
Hormel sells Top Shelf
Meals to Dinty Moore, gives full
Attention to SPAM.

3000.
The Unabomber
Didn't make bombs out of SPAM.
Guess he's not so bad.

3009.
Whitewater is just
lukewarm compared to Bill's yet
unknown SPAMgate scam.

3021.
Unabomber, Goetz,
and other assorted nuts.
The common thread? SPAM.

3050.
Dear Hormel people:
I'll blow up your factory!
--Teddy Kaczynski

3064.
A newspaper reads:
"SPAM Haiku page is quite cool."
Can we stand the heat?

3118.
Kesey is queasy
Leary offs self on the Net
Ultimate spamming

3139.
Gulf War Syndrome was
Not caused by weapons, but by
SPAM in MREs.

3202.
Just before the raid
Israel warns Lebanon:
"We'll be dropping SPAM."

3205.
Jackie O auction:
Japanese investor bids
big for her SPAM hat.

3245.
Yes, I've heard of it.
It made all the front pages.
But Mad SPAM disease??

3251.
For the latest news
and meaty bits of gossip
please turn on C-SPAM.

3267.
A new restriction.
FDA promulgation:
All foods, drugs, SPAM-free.

3338.
Minimum wage hike
proposed. Hormel protests, "Sales
of SPAM will plummet!"

3339.
Montana's Freemen
start to crack. Why? The only
food left now is SPAM.

3342.
Hillary follows
Jackie O. with an auction.
"How much for Bill's SPAM?"

3402.
1992.
Serbs serve Muslim prisoners
cold SPAM on a stick.

3403.
1996.
Cold SPAM on a stick is found
to be a war crime.

3431.
"Pol Pot is dying."
"Hormel pulls SPAM from market."
Which news is better?

3445.
MAN KILLED BY A CAN
OF SPAM! Zealous SPAM-fan ate
It in the tin can.

3476.
They say in England,
Cows go mad from eating meat.
"Some more SPAM, Bossy?"

3529.
Is anything as
dangerous as eating SPAM?
Flying ValuJet.

3590.
"Most-favored nation"?
Little do the Chinese know
This means lots of SPAM.

3592.
Baseballers puzzled.
Why do pitchers stink so much?
Pregame: Wolfing SPAM.

3622.
Boorda approved SPAM
For Navy rations. I would
Have shot myself, too.

3673.
Ted Kaczynski "loved
nature," and yet he ate SPAM.
See the problem here?

3743.
In North Korea
they are desperate for food.
"Except SPAM," they say.

3851.
Each day I thank God
SPAM is not British beef parts--
we would all be mad

4017.
After NBC's
Investigative report,
I won't touch the stuff.

4104.
Welcome back, Oh SHAM.
While you were gone, SPAM tanker
Exploded. Hey, wait.

4105.
Hillary and Jean
Houston probe psychic depths. Heads
Spin, SPAM spews from mouths.

4106.
Hillary sits up
In bed, growls deep. "YOUR MOTHER
SUCKS DOWN SPAM IN HELL!!!"

4107.
Hillary writhes in
Rising bed. Bill so sickened
He can't finish SPAM.

4117.
"Now I wanna heat!"
With the last SPAM lei mor
Addio Margaux

4138.
The Unabomber
Begins sending SPAM by mail.
People are still scared.

4196.
"Mr. President,
is it true the FBI
kept files on Hormel?"

4201.
Gates and Hormel come
out with new all-pork channel:
MSPAM.

4286.
Someone didn't like
The SPAM at the Olympic
Village Restaurant.

4287.
Flight 800 blew
Apart in midair. Last time
They serve SPAM on planes.

4288.
Bodies submerged for
Many weeks? Recover like
Lifting SPAM on fork.

4297.
Little girl gymnasts.
One tests positive for SPAM.
Leaves the Games in shame.

4339.
Little Kerri Strug
Did amazing vault despite
Ankle limp as SPAM.

4339.
Little Kerri Strug
Did amazing vault despite
Ankle limp as SPAM.

4375.
The Smashing Pumpkins
are all arrested for the
possession of SPAM.

4378.
Budget rent-a-cop
plants SPAM in Olympic park.
What an idiot.

4382.
German magazine
says that movie star Tom Cruise
has a low SPAM count.

4387.
Watching NBC's
Olympic coverage made
me wanna hurl SPAM.

4489.
Jack Kevorkian
builds a machine that drips SPAM
into people's veins.

4490.
Microscopic life
found in Martian meteor.
But no food in SPAM.

4541.
Gorilla saves child:
Kid's about to eat SPAM, and
ape yanks it away.

4670.
Orioles' player
Spits, spams a childless umpire,
Roberto's poor taste

4676.
Omaha Bombing
Terrorists used SPAM filled bomb
"It takes a licking"

4677.
Yeltsin ousts Lebed
Fiery Russian made grab
For Boris's SPAM

4679.
Nor'Easter spams coast
Drops 8 inches on New York
City slippery

4755.
It's leaked to the press--
In the Unabomber's shack,
Thousands of SPAM tins.

4900.
Yankee Stadium.
Kid throws SPAM at Orioles.
Now he's a hero?

4989.
Texaco execs
joke about "pink jelly beans."
Just what do they mean?

5015.
It turns out Hormel
is a CIA plot to
destroy poor people.

5086.
Door jammed on shuttle.
Engineers discover cause.
Old SPAM found in seal.

5087.
Turns out a sloppy
technician smeared his hands on
door seal. He'll be fired.

5088.
Later, depressed and
drunken shuttle crew will tie
him to the launch pad.

5089.
They force feed him cans
of SPAM, leave him there. Next launch
leaves weird ash on pad.

5127.
The morning paper.
Headline: "Tiny Tim Is Dead."
A tear on my SPAM.

5521.
World-wide news shocker
All blue cans shed fatty tears
"John Cho drowns in SPAM"
-- Gabriel

5947.
Autopsy reveals
Surprising Boulder secret:
JonBenet ate SPAM

6145.
Eating SPAM is like
having Tupac Amaru
guys crash your party.

6149.
Scottish scientists
thought of cloning SPAM, but thought,
"That's just plain evil."

6725.
Japan's boom and bust
Hong Kong returns to China
Only Spam's constant

6933.
comets sometime fly
cult membership wants to die
empty cans of spam

6947.
Blissful and serene
The Chosen eat SPAM pudding
and wait for Hale-Bopp.

6966.
Pathfinder's success
Barnacle Bill discovered
Pink, petrified SPAM

7024.
Andrew Cunanan
Killed Gianni Versace.
For a can of SPAM?

7143.
No suicide note
Miami houseboat myst'ry
Just empty SPAM cans

7245.
On MIR space station
Supply ship brings only SPAM
Cosmonauts jump ship

7463.
North Korea starves.
UN airdrops SPAM. Regime
Quickly surrenders.