Message-Id: <199810171500.IAA01283@xkey.com>
From: "Mike C. Baker" <kihe@ticnet.com>
To: "J. Michael Shew" <jshewkc@cyclops.pei.edu>
Cc: <minstrel@rt.com>
Subject: Re: minstrel: Re: A poetic construction for review
Date: Sat, 17 Oct 1998 09:53:46 -0500
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> From: J. Michael Shew <jshewkc@cyclops.pei.edu> To:
minstrel@rt.com
> Subject: minstrel: Re: A poetic construction for review
> Date: Saturday, October 17, 1998 4:25 AM
> 	May I offer a poem for consideration?  Please offer critique,

Mikal, you've done it again.

This one gets added to my book of material for future need 
(advance request for permission herewith transmitted), under 
my guise as priest and Bard. The Powers willing, there will 
be no need that I use it very soon...

Critique: not reading Gaelic in the original myself, I can still 
opine that you've captured what I consider the "feel" of a 
form that I have myself used.  Perhaps one of our more 
scholarly participants will identify the formal name for 
this construct of three stanzas of detail echoed in a 
fourth which summarizes by inversion/extension, usually
with lines (mostly) matched to the first?

> 	Signy
> 
>         This seat by the fire where no one will sit
>         The horn that is dry where no one will drink
>         The laughter is gone that danced to our wit
>         And no magic can find her

Word choice: I would myself have probably used "The seat" 
instead of the "This seat".  Obviously, I still have something 
to learn about matters of composition -- I think your choice 
is stronger / better. Having noted that, I might have also 
extended to "This horn".  In the fourth line, I'd consider 
alternatives to "magic" for use in Christian contexts (but 
that would generate other very extensive variations, of 
course, particularly in the third stanza).

>         The friend that we knew is gone from our fire
>         The sister we loved is far from our land
>         There is no drum, no pipe, and no lyre
>         To reach the ear of our sister

Word choice: something about that second line...
Perhaps "walks" or "strides" in place of the passive 
"is"?

>         Sing her no sad songs. smile for her memory
>         A cloak of white feathers hangs from her neck
>         Wild wind she rides, on Odin's own journey
>         So do the Valkyries greet her

Word choice: "flies from" instead of "hangs from", maybe?

The double internal rhymes of the third line in this stanza 
are particularly important to strengthening the Norse feel.
Darn good construct.
 
>         A song by the fire where we all will sit
>         Our horns we will drain where she would have drunk
>         Honor her laughter, and sharpen your wit
>         This is the magic to find her
>         Our circles will remember

Word choice: "Full horns" instead of "Our horns", possibly? 
The fourth line might be a candidate for rephrasing  to a more 
active form, although it certainly stands well in this form.

Mikal, you've crafted a fitting memorial. Any twiddling I can 
suggest is no more than minor quibbling, my friend. 

Condolences and commiserations: I doubt not that we'll have 
opportunity, too many opportunities, to create or use such works 
in the upcoming years, as the SCA -- and we -- continue to age.

Mike C. Baker
SCA: Amr ibn Majid al-Bakri al-Amra (Steppes, Ansteorra)
"Other": Kihe Blackeagle (the Dreamsinger Bard)
My opinions are my own -- who else would want them?
e-mail: kihe@ticnet.com OR kihe@rocketmail.com


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