SPAM Haiku: The SHAM's Tasty Picks (Part 1)

Note: Please do not send mail bombs if your haiku is not included in this collection. It is, however, acceptable to send a slice of SPAM in an envelope as a gesture of protest. Remember, this is just one person's opinion as to what is cool. (And note that I do not include my own work here, since it is collected in separate files: SPAM haiku by the SHAM (1-100), SPAM haiku by the SHAM (101-200), and SPAM haiku by the SHAM (201- ).)

2.
Ears, snouts and innards,
A homogeneous mass--
Pass another slice.

--Christopher James Hume

3.
Pink tender morsel,
Glistening with salty gel.
What the hell is it?

--Christopher James Hume

4.
Cube of cold pinkness
Yellow specks of porcine fat
Give me a spork, please

--Christopher James Hume

5.
Old man seeks doctor:
"I eat SPAM daily," he decries
ANGIOPLASTY

--Christopher James Hume

6.
Highly unnatural,
The tortured shape of this "food"
...A small pink coffin.

--Christopher James Hume

16.
SPAM can do it all.
Need a fake amputation?
SPAM can do it all.

--Alec Proudfoot, alec@netcom.com

17.
What are the clear parts?
My mind reels, thoughts turn to hooves.
I'd best just eat it.

--Alec Proudfoot, alec@netcom.com

33.
Mom cooked SPAM Surprise.
Pink grease, smothered in mustard...
I still fear mustard.

--Van Kichline, mkichline@earthlink.net

39.
There are worse things than
A SPAM-limited diet.
Like coprophagy.

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

65.
Fallout Shelter Blues:
bound, I witness friends unearth
hidden stash of SPAM.

--fleshhead

79.
Lost in the desert
I stumbled on piles of SPAM
No key to be seen

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

82.
Downed U.S. pilot,
survival kit full of SPAM,
eats ants, sucks wool socks.

--R. Kaufman

112.
Oh when will SPAM cans
Display our lovely haiku
Printed on the back?

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

114.
SPAMs stick well to glass
Leaving such glorious smears
When finally moved

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

117.
Split the SPAM atom
Enormous pink mushroom cloud
World covered in pork

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

119.
I put my shoes on
But remembered far too late
My secret SPAM stash

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

122.
I took SPAM to work
They fired me--so be warned
It's not meant as clothes

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

133.
Why is it we find
A block made of pork pieces
To be so funny?

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

135.
I have some SPAM wine
A nineteen-ninety vintage
It's still quite lumpy

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

136.
My shoes have SPAM soles
I wear SPAM jeans shirts and ties
but my socks are wool

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

137.
I balanced the cans
then struck a pose upon them
The crowd was impressed

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

138.
Someone please tell me
Do they have to starve the pigs
When making SPAM LITE?

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

139.
I talk to my SPAM
Sometimes it even talks back
Doctor gave me pills

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

141.
Put SPAM in my ears
Embarrassed to see doctor
What was that you said?

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

145.
Made a SPAM puppet
To entertain my doggie
Need a new hand now

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

224.
Sunset placid pond
where campers often linger--
rusted can of SPAM

--Dr. S. Garrigues, steve@bh.kyungpook.ac.kr

225.
Memories of days
waiting in employment lines--
long days without SPAM

--Dr. S. Garrigues, steve@bh.kyungpook.ac.kr

260.
SHAM, you bastard, you've
wrecked my life. Now my time's spent
writing SPAM haiku.

--Bill T. Cat

278.
I scolded my SPAM
because it left the seat up--
repeat offender.

--Jackie Groce, grocej@cmc.cz

293.
Bones, blood, and sinew.
Eyeballs, gonads, and sphincters.
Could be anything.

--Rex Jones, rex@uis.msstate.edu

294.
Group of friends cooking
SPAM around campfire: "It don't
get no better'n this!"

--Rex Jones, rex@uis.msstate.edu

300.
SPAM Symmetry Group:
top bottom, left right, up down
Iso-tasty moves.

--john "friday is spam-day" sahr

318.
Burnt or buried dear?
We had him spammed just like Dad
Can I have a slice?

--Richard Cutting, cutting@cmc.cz

336.
Make six cuts through SPAM,
get twenty-seven SPAMS: this
is not food for thought.

--john "it seems that Wednesday is also SPAM day" sahr

339.
Grow some SPAM of your
own, amigo; grow some SPAM
of your own at home.

--john "it seems that Wednesday is also SPAM day" sahr

361.
Leaning to kiss her,
Smelling her breath, I thought of
Love and luncheon loaf.

--Rex Jones, rex@uis.msstate.edu

365.
Driving with Ute friends.
Miles of silence pass before,
"Price of SPAM is up."

--Anonymous

370.
Crowds of refugees,
Starving. UN airdrops SPAM.
Muslims flee from planes.

--Martin H. Booda, booda@osh1.datasync.com

421.
SPAM in the suburbs,
Ethnic icon in the can--
Caucasian Soul Food!

--Anonymous

424.
At the Last Supper,
Apostles order the SPAM.
"Christ! It tastes like shit!"

--Anonymous

430.
Who invented SPAM?
Demented Rabbi, crazed Jew
Angry at his God?

--Anonymous

432.
Forty year-old man,
Pathetic, hunched at the screen.
Writing SPAM haiku.

--Anonymous

449.
SPAM frying in lard
The whir of the kitchen fan
Summer of my youth

--Linda

452.
The dragons gather
On Komodo at sunrise.
SPAM--who needs a goat?

--Kristin Nelson, kan1@cornell.edu

467.
I once planted SPAM
It reached long for the blue sky
Victory garden

--Dave "spam" Krider, http://www.cco.caltech.edu/~ekrider/FunEMail/funemail.html

471.
I hear the SPAM ball
It bounces, porqua, porqua
A haiku of spring

--B. Tallen

481.
Leering old codger
Entreats young girl from doorway--
"Want a piece of SPAM...?"

--jpollard@rdc.noaa.gov

486.
Autoerotic!
Open can, insert member:
Wham, bam, thank you SPAM!

--Jon Howell and Liam Friedland, jhowell@us.oracle.com and lfriedla@us.oracle.com

514.
Descartes on pig parts
Says: "I'm pink, therefore I'm SPAM"
Deep philosophy

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

517.
acidic heartburn
a boat disappears in mist
traces of old SPAM

--jingu, rbender@sas.upenn.edu

547.
The SPAM muse came back
Like a SPAM breakfast returns
just before lunchtime

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

564.
Worse than eating SPAM?
Watching your father-in-law
eat a trout head. (Crunch.)

--Matt Ragozzino, mwr@teleport.com

565.
Clear chunk waits inside.
It rises!? -- No, just a dream.
Entropy triumphs.

--Alec Proudfoot, alec@netcom.com

588.
Schrödinger's SPAM: One
minute the pork snouts are dead.
The next, they're alive!

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

603.
Hold tight, street person!
Wise-ass crow on the dumpster
is eyeing your SPAM.

--Paul W. Lewis, pp001342@interramp.com

611.
SPAM's own irony
Is that its haiku's never
Worse than SPAM itself

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

614.
Zen Buddhist SPAM quest:
"What are the ingredients?"
What do you desire?

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

628.
Bum with hole in shoe
Finds Elmer's and SPAM. Eats glue,
patches hole with SPAM.

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

630.
Salvador Dali
Paints soft, drooping cans of pork:
"Persistence of SPAM."

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

633.
Three men in lifeboat.
No food 'cept SPAM. Hour later:
Two men in lifeboat.

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

635.
In Heart of Darkness
Kurtz eats SPAM. "The horror..." Then:
"Mistah Kurtz--he dead!"

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

673.
one nibble of SPAM
beasts run wild in my bloodstream
pork and sodium

--Dawn M. Martin

680.
Blanche to Stan: "I have
Always depended upon
The SPAM of strangers."

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

683.
Globules of chopped SPAM
Operation Rescue flaunts
In front of clinic.

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

685.
Pregnant woman eats
SPAM. Remnants flow through system.
Hear the Silent Scream.

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

710.
Do you see pig snouts
Or a fine meal? It's a pork
product Rashomon.

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

711.
A pink obelisk
comes to the apes. It imparts
both wisdom and SPAM.

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

718.
M. C. Escher's SPAM:
Pig-snout stairs run in circles.
Ever-rising pork.

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

720.
Don Vito orders
horse-head surprise. "Make him a
SPAM he can't refuse."

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

726.
Senator Exon
Downloads SPAM GIFs from archive,
Soils the Senate floor.

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

760.
Coltrane nixes the
carrot juice; tries SPAM cocktail.
writes "A Loaf Supreme"

--Screamin' Phil Erickson, pje@hyperion.haystack.edu

763.
SPAM is not a gift.
When you eat, just remember:
It's only a loan.

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

764.
Ornette's harmony
some say "indigestible!"
it's SPAMolodics

--Screamin' Phil Erickson, pje@hyperion.haystack.edu

774.
brasiliana
amorphously glistening
the sound of Spam Getz

--Screamin' Phil Erickson, pje@hyperion.haystack.edu

786.
New SPAM cigarettes
introduce a new health risk:
Second-hand nitrates.

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

795.
Count sheep to find sleep.
Lambs turn to pigs, then pig parts...
Nightmare! Free-range SPAM!

--Jared Stamm, jared_stamm@scp.com

812.
SPAM on shelf: break seal!
Sitting on the plate: break-fast!
In-testines: break wind!

--Ken Zuroski, zuroski@cmu.edu

838.
Does SPAM contain tongues?
When you eat it, does it taste
you as you taste it?

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

842.
Murder mystery
solved: Colonel Mustard in the
ballroom with the SPAM.

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

846.
Hormel accused of
using fake pork. New York Post's
headline: SHAM SPAM SCAM.

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

875.
Bright lights and cruel cops
grill the suspect pork product.
It doesn't confess.

--WhaarfRat@aol.com

888.
Garbage man in pain.
Slipped on puddle of SPAM spoo.
Warm and slick texture.

--Anonymous

921.
Santa finds my treat.
Warm milk and fresh batch of SPAM.
Ho, ho, holy shit!!!

--Jonathan Black

922.
Fed my dog warm SPAM.
Pissed in shoes. Ate my wallet.
Bitter little fuck.

--Jonathan Black

934.
New group to combat
substance abuse: MASH--Mothers
Against SPAM Haiku.

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

946.
"I want to gel you,"
breathed the short, squat, pink stranger.
Miss Hormel melted.

--Roy Hill


Go on to The SHAM's Tasty Picks (Part 2).
Return to the SPAM Haiku Archive page.
John Nagamichi Cho


SPAM is a registered trademark of Hormel Foods Corporation for luncheon meat. The Haiku Archive Master and the contributors to this website have no legal, commercial or financial involvement with Hormel Foods. Neither the information presented here, nor the manner in which it has been presented, has been sanctioned by Hormel Foods.