As the Shadow Shifts

Episode 9

Due to a current total lack of questions for use in Quote Scries, the editorial staff of As The Shadow Shifts would like to remind you of a few basic principles regarding both the phrasing of proper questions, and the proper interpretation of the prophetic knowledge imparted by a Quote Scry. Hopefully you'll actually submit some more questions, thus relieving me of having to ever actually write any of this, so I can actually go out and look for a job somewhere other than here at the World Center for Auto-Trepanation. And the Katarina and Mikele Fan Clubs are doing the worst imitation of a feud I've ever seen.

Life is composed of the constant interplay of opposites; hot and cold, male and female, Democrat and Republican, smart and stupid, licorice and not-licorice, etc. Life changes all the time and yet it never changes; spring becomes summer, summer becomes autumn, and so forth, but the pattern of change is invariable; each year the same thing happens again, unless El Nino messes things up.

The interplay of male (active) and female (even more active) forces in the world accounts for major changes. Minor changes are caused by laminar fluid flow. Life is not an up-and-down series of failures and successes, but a continuous flowing of opposites into each other, as the seasons change. This is what is known as metaphysical turbulence. Wisdom is learning to accept the value of each change and being as receptive to pleasure as pain. Understanding life as a constant flowing of dark into light into dark into light, sages recognize that complementary behavior results from seeking the beneficial aspect of each opposite. Note, however, that the last half hour of the movie "2001" still doesn't make much sense.

Interpreting prophecies involves an understanding that the truth is timeless, that information is revealed about the future as well as the hidden present or the unresolved past. The unconscious plays a key role, as it too is timeless and contains answers that we do not always reveal to ourselves, although recently I've been doing better at letting my id out for occasional short romps. The nuances and multileveled readings possible in each of the prophecies permit insight which can be startling.

1. Study the means of prophecy carefully to acquaint your subconscious with it. The means must include representations of both masculine and feminine powers. I've had good results using the centerfolds from various Playboy Enterprises publications.

2. Concentrate on your question. Keep it simple. Avoid asking a doubleheaded questions, such as, "Will I got somewhere and have a good time?" Keep one thought separate from another; try something like "Hey, what's up?"

3. Hold the indicator within the palm of your hand and rotate it to lend your vibrations to the magnetism. In this way you are putting yourself into the outcome of the prophecy.

4. Place it on a flat surface so that the indicator can come to rest. Warning: oil-based lubricants can chemically weaken the latex, so be sure to always use water-based lubrication.

5. If the prophecy doesn't make any sense, try again. Consult the writings of the ancients for different interpretations of your prophecy. Maybe you're reading the wrong line on your chart; use a ruler or other straightedge to make sure you've got the right line.

6. Look out for strange influences which may warp the prophetic indicator. Being in the vicinity of strong magnetic fields, burial grounds, or people with bad attitudes may prevent prophetic impulses from registering accurately.

And now we join our show in prgress....

Cael: Today on As The Shadow Shifts, another panel discussion. Today's topic, borrowed from a brain I found lying in my office this morning, is "Is reverse-engineering m4 macros to build custom sendmail.cf files based on a perl script linking Xlib function calls directly to VMS-emulator file handles more strain than the human brain can handle?" The brain on my floor is pretty direct evidence in favor of a "Yes" answer to this question. Excuse me while I try and wipe this craniospinal fluid off my tie.

Oberon: The panel will be provided with a sumptuous breakfast, consisting of jelly donuts from Marchamp's in Paris, pancakes from Berlusconi's in Milan, and maple syrup from the National Archives in Washington, D.C. The jelly donuts are made from flour ground on-site at Marchamp's, which is amaranth grown by native Mesquite Indians in Belize, blended with quinoa from the Kaliningrad hydroponics plant. As a personal interest note, legends indicate that the royal line of the Aztecs, escaping the conquest by Cortes, now resides in the chieftainship of the Mesquite. The Kaliningrad hydroponics plant is the most advanced in the world, serving as an example to hydroponics plants around the globe, not only in its efficiency and the nutritional value of its output, but in the casual and yet stunning dress of its chief engineer, Petr Ivanovich Raskolnikov. The jelly is made from royal jelly gathered from the hive queens of the rare Blue Honeybee, which is found only on the island of Fernando Po, in Equatorial Guinea, and berries from the private gardens of Emperor Akihito of Japan. The donuts are available in blueberry, raspberry, strawberry, and [CENSORED].

The maple syrup from the National Archives is syrup that was gathered and refined by Daniel Webster during the spring before his triumphant electoral victory over James Earl Count Marquis Duke Baron Cabot, in which Webster made many famous speeches, too long to quote in their entirety here. The pancakes are from the Aunt Jemima instant mix, with water from the River Ardbeg in the Highlands of Scotland. The toothpicks are available in redwood, baobab, or eucalyptus, polished with carnuba wax and reindeer tallow. String has been provided by Strings for the Stars, Hollywood, CA. Promotional considerations have been provided by Jake & Earl's Dixie Barbecue.

And now for our panel. First on my left is Dalamar, renowned diplomat from the Courts of Chaos. In addition to assiduous pursuit of his diplomatic duties, Dalamar enjoys conjuration. Apparently he has recently been conjuring scrimshaw. Isn't that right, Dalamar?

Dalamar: Yes, that's right, although it's not entirely in the usual style. Traditional scrimshaw is carved on whale ivory in a single color, and frequently depicts naval scenes. My scrimshaw comes in all colors, requires the death of no animals, can fly, has infrared vision, and comes equipped with a pair of Vulcan machine guns capable of firing at over 6000 rounds a minute.

Oberon: Can it be used as a trump?

Dalamar: I'm afraid I can't comment on that at the present time.

Oberon: Well, thank you anyway, Dalamar, that was very interesting. Our second panelist is Keverian, renowned warrior, bathing beauty, and all-round great guy of Amber. Keverian is frequently found in the gardens of Castle Amber, practicing his swordplay on thousands of extremely threatening shrubs and bushes, and kicking large rocks until they are completely pounded into sand.

[APPLAUSE]

Oberon: Before we meet our next panelist, our two first panelists will have to complete a scavenger hunt, at the end of which they will find their companion panelist. The first stage of the scavenger hunt is a game of Hangman. The word or phrase in question has five letters, two numbers, and one punctuation mark. Let's start with Dalamar.

Dalamar: I'd like to buy a vowel.

Oberon: I'm sorry, you don't have any money yet with which to....oh, OK, you now seem to have plenty of money. Which vowel would you like to buy?

Dalamar: All of them.

Oberon: Do you realize that Vietnamese has sixteen vowels, and that since none of them can be represented in ASCII that purchasing them would be useless?

Dalamar: I don't care, this is conjured money.

Oberon: All right, you have all the vowels. Keverian?

Keverian: Skrakatathoom!

Oberon: What? Oh, that was Power Word: Win. Well, Keverian, you are the winner of this round of the scavenger hunt. Now it is time for the two of you to go get me some pancakes, toast, scrambled eggs, orange juice, maybe a bowl of cereal, and something good, like Apple Jacks or Count Chocula, not some wussy cereal like Wheaties. Oh, and one of those great big Belgian waffles with maybe a pound of frozen strawberries and like a gallon of whipped cream on top. After that you get to meet your next panelist. But first, a word from our sponsor.

Interplex Information Systems, Inc. would like to welcome you all to the exciting electronic world of As The Shadow Shifts. We would also like to take this opportunity to announce our leveraged buyout of Wizards of The Coast, makers of Magic: The Gathering. We plan to reorganize the alignment of the external feedback engineering format to maintain maximum projected internal primary active unrestricted expansion potential. Also we're going to print more cards, and make each successive expansion set slightly better than any previous set, in order to make it pretty much required that people buy hundreds of dollars worth of each new set if they want to stay competitive. Thank you for your attention. And now, back to our story.

Cael: Whoops, I'm afraid we're out of time. But stay tuned for the shortest and least funny letters column to date.

You Feel the Beginnings of a Trump Contact...

     
 Dear ATSS:
     
     Is Dalamar really as Adorable in person as he is on ATSS?
     
                           ``Mary''
     
     
Dear Mary,
     
Well, that's a difficult question, dear. We all like to think so, but we
certainly wouldn't tell him to his face; wouldn't want it getting to his
head, now, would we? Let's just say that those same qualities which have
so endeared Dalamar to his loyal fans really shine through in person,
especially under strong ultraviolet light.
     
     
     
Dear ATSS:
     
So _why_ was Torquil carrying around a severed finger in the last
episode?  Doesn't he know that all Amberites regenerate?  And if he
really was so keen on giving it to Mary, why did he give it to Katarina?
She never really seemed his type to me.  Well I just hope that Mary
isn't the jealous type, or ole Torky better start wearing fireball proof
underwear...

     Skippy
     Ring of Thorns, Shadow
     
     
Dear Skippy,
     
A pretty complicated situation, to be sure. Without giving away too
much, since of course you'll almost certainly be seeing that finger
again, let's just remind everyone of a few fundamental things: 1.
Amberites regenerate, 2. There's blood in fingers, 3. The blood of
Amberites can erase Patterns, 4. Blood creatures can be made from blood,
5. Pattern ghosts are sustained by blood, 6. The body parts of
shapeshifters don't necessarily revert after severing, 7. Shapeshifters
could shift other parts of themselves to look like fingers, 8. I bet
Mandor could shapeshift his brain into a finger, and finally, in regards
to your comment about Katarina not being Torquil's type, 9. a bloody
severed finger is not a traditional token of affection.

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